Russian Officials Officially Rule Coup Leader Death an “Accident”

MOSCOW – Today Kremlin officials announced that the August death of Aleksandr Noskov – the leader of the mercenary army which launched a brief coup against Russian military leadership in late June – was “undeniably an accident.” 

“Our top military leaders have closely examined the flight data,” said Russian president Vladimir Putin, “and have concluded that there is no evidence of foul play.  The plane simply crashed into the ground after experiencing a massive explosion on board, created, likely by Noskov himself.  We believe it had something to do with the onboard microwave oven.”

Military spokesman Gen. Boris Sapogov called the incident “unfortunate” but “justice for a traitor to the Russian state.”

Wall Street dismissed the news by shrugging off shares of military and defense contractors in brisk late morning trading, before scooping them back up at a discount during a late afternoon rally. 

Arts: Kevin Costner's "Richard III" Closes After Opening

The much anticipated Broadway premiere of Kevin Costner's "Richard III" closed today hard on the heels of it's poorly received opening last night.  "While we are obviously saddened to shutter less than a day after opening," said producer Hal Minor, "we must realize that some things are just not meant to be."

The move follows a flurry of negative reviews across every major news market.  "Costner's 'Richard' is a trainwreck looking for a dumpster fire," read NYT Arts.  "One is forced to ponder what on god's earth prompted anyone to put Shakespeare together with Kevin Costner in the first place, and conclude it could only be the inscrutable machinations of extraterrestrials or perhaps demons."

"WTF?" read the Village Voice.  "Costner as Richard is so psychotically conceived it could've been a breakthrough tour de force, but sadly it's just sad.  Costner's Richard is limp, anemic, and yet somehow both boring and frenetic at the same time.  Such a bizarre stew of artistic choices could still feed the performance a certain kitsch appeal, if it wasn't so utterly pathetic and cringe worthy."

"Costner's Richard was, frankly, so hard to watch I'm physically enraged," wrote Variety.  "What starts out as an unoriginal interpretation quickly degrades into a freakish, surreal cartoon of Shakespearean theater. I'm not sure what anyone involved with this production had envisioned, nor what hellish nightmare landscape of bad drugs convinced them to proceed with this disaster, but those responsible should be banned from working in professional theater for the remainder of their useless, clumsy lives."

The play's closing cuts short the former Yellowstone actor's Broadway ambitions before they even started, A spokesman for the actor said, "Kevin is heartbroken that his performance was not better received. He felt that he had nailed Richard's crippling ailments admirably, and had spent days studying past performances to really get the subtle nuances of the character as authentic feeling as possible.  Perhaps his portrayal of advanced dementia, flaming homosexuality, and costume choices were, in retrospect, ill advised."