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HOLLYWOOD - One week before it opens, the Sony Picture's adaptation of Dan Brown's book "The DaVinci Code" has already broken the $100M mark.
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FT. MEADE, MARYLAND - Today the National Security Agency unveiled a new website where Americans can download MP3s of their recorded phone calls and conversations.
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This is it.This is really the end…maybe. The end of the world.I knew the end of the world wouldn't be some spectacular thing, some giant asteroid plowing into earth, or a tidal wave, or even global warming (what's a little heat after all?).I knew whatev...
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Holy fuck. You would think that busting my nuts every month for this two bit piece of shit rag would be enough. You would think that having three fucking stars to my name would somehow earn me the right to tell a colleague to "Fuck off!" whenever he t...
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I would love someone on network TV to call me a "tattooed, nappy-headed ho." Please! It would mean so much to me.I never heard of this goof Don Imus until the recent firestorm controversy when he called the female Rutgers basketball team a bunch of, "tatt...
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That's right motherfucker this month's column is going to introduce you to the potentially dangerous and always exciting world of pressure cooking. I've been hesitant to roll it out because you fuckers are so damn dumb and so damn cheap that I quite exp...
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That christians can write satire will come as a bit of a shock to you, and probably cement the impression that I'm only one sword short of a crusade, but one of the research monkeys shook this out of the Google Tree(tm) the other day and I had to share it...
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I've got the answer. But nobody will listen, because I'm just an obscure columnist.
I've got it! The way to fight terrorism. The way to deal with it.
Not the stupid way Bush does it, conquering land like it‘s World War Two. He can't think out of the...
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Make Iraq a new American state, our 51st State of the Union.I want all you Republicans out there to do something completely different. Something you've never done in your life. Something totally foreign to your nature.Criticize a high up official in your ...
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You know what bothers me, apart from the ethics, who’s right and who’s wrong? (America is always right, right or wrong).America only attacks small, poor countries. Look at the list of our opponents over the past thirty years or so, Vietnam, Granada, I...
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It's not very hard these days to find stories about freedom hating anti-privacy totalitarian fascists trying to chip away another civil liberty or ten from The American PeopleTM. If I'm honest with myself, it's really never been that hard. Then I stumble ...
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I'm a male transgender Amazon and it's okay. I prowl at night and I work by day (sung to the tune of Monty Python). The dictator of North Korea, Kim Jong-il, is also a male transgender Amazon. What are the pros and cons?
He's a big movie fan of Elv...
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Bush, you idiot, you moron, you cretin, you numb skull. I can tell by the shape of your head and your expressionless agate eyes you're as smart as a fence post. You're the fourth stooge (actually Bush is the fifth. Shemp was the fourth). Moe should pu...
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I've had it! Do you hear me? That's all I'm gonna take. That's all I can stand, I can't stand no more.I was in the shower measuring my thing, and it's a centimeter shorter than last month. I held a ruler next to it. I'm pretty sure. A full centimeter!Wh...
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Below is an excerpt from a book I'm working on that recounts (in part) some of my experiences as a fledgling actor back in the 1970s, when I was appearing in some really bad movies.
Here I am, fresh from the hinterlands, standing on the set of an actual ...
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I've got a new career selling snail slime from Niger. The beautiful African country of Niger, formerly the world's largest exporter of gnats and yellow pancake for making A-bombs. I imported three hundred and sixty Nigerian slime producing snails. What ...
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Recently, as my butt was falling asleep editing this pathetic rag, Ty pointed out that China had stopped bulking up its space programs and massive military forces long enough to be concerned at Japan saying it wanted "a bigger role in global military coop...
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It's time to gloat.
Nancy Pelosi, the new Speaker of the House of Representatives, said Democrats would not gloat over the downfall of the Republicans.
They wouldn't make verbal attacks, celebrate, be smug, puff themselves up, engage in you-got-what-y...
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The recent flap over Seinfeld comedian Kramer calling two black hecklers at a comedy club the N word points up the need to update those old racial epithets into something more modern, more gentile.
In other words, we can still insult each other and not...
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You know!
It's getting to be really sad.
I'm a true genius, the world's greatest clairvoyant, soothsayer, prophet.
I'm greater than Rasputin.
And the world doesn't recognize it. Doesn't shower me with women and money, and women.
Here I predicted ...
