Vile Vials
There's something about me that really angers people. A nice guy like me.
Maybe it's because I'm so open, vulnerable, intelligent, handsome. I don't know.
It's uncanny how I have this innocent ability to infuriate. If I could just channel it, find a way to make money off it. For example, I've taken my share of low blow cruel shots at work. I've worked for some vicious, sadistic, dishonest, scheming people.
I had a manager one time slam his fist on my desk in front of other employees over some trivial matter. Now, if I walk into his office and hit him, I'm up on charges of assault in battery. I have to spend at least a night in jail (I've already been there once), pay a fine, money I don't have, or do public service picking up leaves alongside the highway in orange pajamas.
He slams his fist on your desk because he’s afraid of his boss over him, and wants to use you as a scapegoat. You know you have to pay a bill and can’t quit your job. So you take it. You need the pay, so you take it from him. The system favors the abuser.
But you don’t have to take it lying down.
It seems that life is a conspiracy designed to humiliate. Always petty humiliation. Like the late Rodney Dangerfield used to say, "I don’t get no respect."
Back in the Old West, you could just shoot it out with the bastard. But no more.
Nowadays, you have to take his insult if you want to keep your bill paying job, until it gnaws at your guts. There's a better way to deal with these people.
Rick Perry Fitted For New Mouth-Shoe
DALLAS - Having chewed up his existing mouth-shoe, today Rick Perry was fitted for a new one at Brack & Sons Fine Shoes.
His old shoe, a size 10 Allen Edmonds had been severely chewed up lately on the campaign trail as well as the debates. "Normally, [Governor Perry]'s shoes can last ten or eleven months stuck in his mouth," said Jim Fingle, Perry's campaign manager. "This one looks like a pit bull's been gnawing it for a year, and it's only been a week."
"We're going to find a shoe for the governor that meets his unique situation," said shoe salesman Ed Drucker, an employee at Brack & Sons. "One that is particularly well built, and one that matches the governor's stature and standing in the community. Also one that is resistant to being soaked in saliva."
Drucker fit the governor's mouth earlier today for a replacement size 10 Allen Edmonds "Bradley." Because the governor was only buying one shoe, the price was cut in half to $275.
Tax Protesters Maimed By Collapsing Bridge
BOSTON - A group of tax protesters were wounded this morning when a nearby bridge collapsed into rubble from years and years of neglect.
The collapse also took down a set of power and telephone lines, knocking out service to nearly 1,000 local homes. "In truth, those lines were ready to fall down on their own," confessed Stuart Miller, a city engineer investigating the incident. "We were all kinda surprised they made it this long. They were put up sometime in the 1950s."
Citizens Urged To Avoid Athletic Leaders!
MADISON - In a press statement today, police warned citizens to be on the lookout for "any type of athletic leader," and avoid them at all cost.
"Athletic leaders -- including football, basketball, volleyball and certainly swimming coaches and all types of athletic director -- should be considered, like Hollywood celebrities, vicious sexual predators and avoided wherever they are found," said Police Commissioner Bud Halifax. "Paul Mira, Bobby Dodd, Jerry Sandusky and John Chadima are just the tip of what these dangerous athletic leaders can and will do to anyone that comes in contact with them."
Gingrich Demands "Open Presidency" If Elected
WASHINGTON - Today Newt Gingrich announced that if elected, his would be the first "open presidency," allowing him to rule other nations.
If enacted, this would be the first time a sitting President of the United States would simultaneously be the head of state for another nation. The closest any previous president came to this was President George W. Bush, who was simultaneously the "Honorary Chief Executive of Fantasyland," within the Walt Disney theme park.
"It's an interesting precedent to consider," said Jolie Schuchert, a political analyst and Constitutional scholar with the Morgan Group think-tank. "Certainly a bizarre demand, especially from a candidate who doesn't even have his party's nomination. Perhaps this will propel his candidacy forward. Or quickly get him humiliated and discarded like Herman Cain or Rick Perry."
More Articles...
Page 1 of 3