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Contributed by John Sammon
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Sunday, 13 August 2006 (read 1914 times) |
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I've got the answer. But nobody will listen, because I'm just an obscure columnist. I've got it! The way to fight terrorism. The way to deal with it. Not the stupid way Bush does it, conquering land like it‘s World War Two. He can't think out of the box, get his head out of WW Two. Occupying land isn't the answer. Terror hides in basements and sneaks on airplanes. There is no "Central Front." I've got it! Eureka! We form a federation much like that on Star Trek. Star Trek was way ahead of its time. Now, give me chance to explain before you say "that won't work," or "bullshit!" It will work. |
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Contributed by John Sammon
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Monday, 31 July 2006 (read 1085 times) |
(Sung like a child's taunt) They're having a secret meeting!
They're having a secret meeting!
The big shots are in Pebble Beach Resort.
Bill Clinton and Hillary, Tony Blair, Arnold, Bono and Al Gore are at Pebble Beach Resort to pool their talents, pick their brains, compare notes and thoughts or what have you...all on the theme...ready for this? "Imagining the Future."
Imagining The Future.
Doesn't it give you hope? Doesn't it inspire you? Doesn't it make you sleep better at night, knowing that these paragons are planning all our futures? Tucked away as they are in a setting of supreme beauty and opulence? Pebble Beach. |
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Contributed by John Sammon
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Monday, 10 July 2006 (read 1433 times) |
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I'm a male transgender Amazon and it's okay. I prowl at night and I work by day (sung to the tune of Monty Python). The dictator of North Korea, Kim Jong-il, is also a male transgender Amazon. What are the pros and cons? He's a big movie fan of Elvis Presley. So he runs old Elvis movies where Elvis is a stock car racer, dresses up like Ann-Margret (the female star of the film), and roots for Elvis to win the race. "Come on Rick!" (Elvis' character in the movie). "Come on. You can do it honey!" he yells at the screen, jumping up and down in a red leather corset. Kim ordered a wine grape press from Bulgaria because he wanted to have himself pressed, double jointed over so he could give himself fellatio. |
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Contributed by John Sammon
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Sunday, 28 May 2006 (read 1282 times) |
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Where have all the kid's TV shows gone? Captain Kangaroo, Howdy Doody, Mister Rogers, Soupy Sales, Sheriff John.
Okay. There's Barney, some guy in a lizard suit. But that's PBS.
Why don't kids have kiddie shows anymore? Look at what they're missing. When we were kids, we grew up with these crazy people.
I volunteer to become the new kiddie show MC, Captain Muppie (Middle Aged, Upwardly Mobile). A show updated to reflect today's world, today's values, and the street smarts and intelligence of today's kids. These modern kids know more about sex than I did when I was twenty years old.
"Hi Kids! Welcome to Captain Muppie's cell phone hour. During the next sixty minutes, we're going to have a lot of fun. We're going to play games, watch films, give prizes, and make all sorts of phone calls ordering expensive stuff without our parent's permission.
Hey kids! Let's start off by introducing my voluptuous assistant, Laverne Hard Body."
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Contributed by John Sammon
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Sunday, 28 May 2006 (read 1441 times) |
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(A client gets a call from Bob Later).
My name is Later, Bob. Just make it Later.
Okay Bob.
I said to call me Later.
Okay Bob.
Call me Later.
Okay. Bob.
I said to call me Later.
I already told you I would.
Good.
I'll call you later Bob.
No, just Later.
I already said yes.
Then why won't you?
Why won't I what? |
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