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I Know What You Did Last Summer |
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Contributed by Tyrone Mercer
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Friday, 30 September 2005 (read 3132 times) |
Last month I promised you a tale of greed, corruption, and
public indifference that would cause your hair to stand on end. I
was distracted at the time by my good buddy Kevin Trudeau's latest
money-making scheme. As luck would have it, we're now in October
and there's no better time for a bone chilling tale of the kind of
malfeasance and shenanigans that would put even Tom Delay to
shame. Supposing of course that he has any left.
 Our tale unfolds on a dark and stormy night. I was returning home
after spending two glorious months traveling around these United States
conducting focus groups on what you, the average American, want from
this, the web's premier methane production facility. My route
took me through the great corn state, home of the good Captain Kirk,
the place whose state fair is the best state fair, that's right boys
and girls I was traveling through Iowa. It was the witching hour
as I passed over the Missouri River from Nebraska (state motto: A
great place to be from.) and noticed that some foul fiend had replaced
all of the 65 mph speed limit signs with 70 mph speed limit
signs. The carnage was horrible, and I barely survived the
journey through the state to the Mississippi River. I would
emerge a changed man.
Well, ok, not a changed man, after all my brain never stopped working
to solve the mystery of the amazing changing speed limits. In the
clear light of day, after I had a chance to exchange the adrenaline
charged shaking of a fear soaked journey with the single malt fueled
spasms of delirium tremens, I began to see the issue much more
clearly. More specifically I began to see the money more
clearly. You see at 65 mph I could get all the way across Iowa on
a tank of gas. At 70, well I was forced to see a part of the
country I never wish to see again: Clinton, IA.*
As gallon after gallon of 10% ethanol -- that's right your car can have
more booze in it than you can -- poured into my tank, I realized
that maybe I was wrong. Maybe this wasn't such a horrid, scary
thing. Maybe Iowans were engaged in the single greatest show of
support for George Bush since Democrats started voting for Patriot
Acts. Iowa was a red state in the election, it's one of those
conservative little rural enclaves where all the women are beautiful,
all the men are manly, and all the pigs are nervous. Clearly it didn't
wish to embarrass the President by giving him no reason to make war in
Iraq. "Hell yeah," was the refrain, "Speed for God and
Country. I won't let my son's sacrifice in the National Guard be
in vain! Where's my yellow ribbon!" A little misguided
maybe, but at least they were committed. Unfortunately, when I
got back to the offices of R.A. Entrerprises, I found the snake in
paradise.
After feeding several interns into the ever hungry maw that is the
world wide web, I discovered that what was actually happening in Iowa
was a little bit of highway robbery. You
see the Iowa legislature is pretty evenly split, in fact exactly
split between the two parties. Democrats can't easily raise more
money, and Republicans can't easily cut more taxes. You'd think
this was a situation right up my alley. While the government's
too busy keeping themselves entertained politicking and negotiating,
they're staying the hell out of my way while I make a little bit of
quick moolah. Unfortunately for Iowans, their legislators are
much too smart to engage in partisan bickering. Looking into a
future of low revenue, counting up the number of SUV's plying the
highways, and doing a quick cross check on the speed the citizens were
actually driving, the highly trained lawmakers, who normally just do a
smash and grab on the citizenry's wallets, discovered a way to make the
poor bastards fuck themselves. Imagine the
debate: "Whereas the average vehicle sees a twenty percent
reduction in fuel efficiency when travelling 70 miles per hour instead
of 65, and whereas the average speed on Iowa's freeways is
already 69.8 miles per hour, and whereas the average will quickly
climb to 74.9 miles per hour meaning the sale of even more
gasoline, and whereas the State of Iowa collects 20.5 cents for
each gallon of gasoline sold: be it resolved that we stick it to
those dumb rubes too stupid to get a law degree and be elected to the
statehouse. Those in favor?"
 Things that make you go rrrrhuttttt??
Silent on the issue appear to be the insurance companies. I
suppose they feel a little conflicted. On the one hand they want
to be all for safety and driving rationally. On the other, of
course, is the exciting prospect of dozens of more claims to deny as
motorists "fail to maintain control" of their vehicles, and all of the
bonus premiums to collect as the accident rates begin to climb during
the first winter under the new speed regime. What's a hard
working actuary to do, other than get a good profit induced stiffy over
the whole thing.
Now if you all actually bothered to comment on our hard work around
here, you'd probably say, "so what Mercer, you haven't given me much
graft and corruption. Once again you've tried and failed to turn
me into a dessicated cynical old fart like yourself. The people
of Iowa wanted to drive faster and they'll pay for it. The market
in action, you free marketeer you." Well fair enough. But
I'm going to leave you with just one more little factoid that fell out
of the Google(tm) tree when I sent JoJo the Research Monkey to shake
it. The speed limit in Iowa was raised on July 1, 2005. The
same day, surely by coincidence, saw an increase in the state's tax on
unblended gasoline. And you call me cynical?
*Site of the Iowa Air National Guard's favorite bombing range, Clinton,
IA has been variously described as "The town an arsonist forgot." and
"So ugly even the graffitti won't stick around." Opinions other
than the mayor's however are less harsh. "This is what we were
fighting for?" questions one cheerful billboard, sponsored by the local
American Legion.
Rumor has it that this Mississippi River town has had it's name for
years. The suspiciously large number of dry cleaners and blue
dresses, however, would seem to belie that assertion.
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Some of the People 
