Yes, that's right, kids, "it's the most wonderful time of the year" again, according to that song by some cheerful guy who probably lives in Branson, Missouri.  So grab your Prozac, get ready to overeat, repress those unresolved issues just a little deeper, and pour on the booze 'cause we're GOING IN!  What a time to be alive!  Okay well, despite that, your buddies at IRREVERENT have some helpful and timely reasons why you shouldn't eat that last hollow point.  Hopefully.

Reason #1: Bush Can't Get Elected Again.
Yes, it's been a very depressing election cycle, but at least it's finally over.  Dubya can begin his second term mandate of really fucking up the country, secure in the knowledge that he has no idea what he's doing, and we can all get back to the business of destroying our lives, polluting the environment, and wreaking havoc on those who (for some reason) deal with all our shit, despite the fact that you reek of cheap vodka and have really bad B.O.  Life will go on, at least until Osama mails that suitcase nuke to your next door neighbor.

Reason #2: Eventually Terrorists Will Get Sick of Killing Us.
Let's face it, they've been at it for a long time now, and they must be getting tired.  Those machetes are awfully heavy, and the AK-47 is not the most reliable weapon Moscow ever produced (I think that would have to be Khrushchev's shoe).  Eventually they're gonna run out of the ammo we sold them through indirect channels, give up, and start throwing roses at us just like we were promised oh so many moons ago.

Reason #3: Most Prescription Drugs Won't Kill You.
Despite the FDA telling us that current standards "guarantee that unsafe and deadly drugs will remain on the U.S. market," in fact, most drugs won't end up killing you, except for Vioxx, Meridia, Crestor, Bextra, Accutane, and Serevent.  That leaves several thousand other drugs to choose from, all of them approved with the same rigorous procedures and exhaustive testing as Vioxx, Meridia, Crestor, Bextra, Accutane, and Serevent.

“ Yes, it's been a very depressing election cycle, but at least it's finally over.
-- Meadow”

Reason #4: Chances Are, You Don't Live In Camden, New Jersey.
Camden recently took the pole position as the Most Dangerous City in America by truly distinguishing itself in murder, rape, robbery, assault, burglary, and auto theft.  Chances are most of you reading this don't live there, so you're probably much, much safer, provided you don't open up any envelopes with white powder in them or anything.

Reason #5: You Might See Titty Again During The Superbowl.
That can't be bad, no matter how you stare at it.  It probably won't be Janet's titty, but I'll give you good odds that some plot is being hatched right now to force the FCC into even more draconian censorship over the airwaves, print media, and internet, in between handing over American media outlets to ClearChannel and approving media mega-mergers that is.

Reason #6: Someone Out There Is More Fucked Than You.
No matter how screwed you are -- and you are royally screwed -- some poor bastard out there in the world is way more fucked than you'll ever be.  It's just simple statistics and facts don't lie.  You can cry yourself into that familiar Prosac-Cranberry-Vodka coma tonight safe in the knowledge that someone else is puking their guts out over a feces encrusted toliet somewhere in a seedy downtown bar while being doggie-styled by a drunken biker high on meth that they met three minutes ago.  Sleep tight.

Reason #7: There Must Be At Least One Good Movie Coming Out For The Holidays.
It's close to being a statistical certainty that there are no more sequels to make or comic books left to rip off, which is going to force Hollywood to get out of their hot tubs, pull the starlets off their crotches, and start writing something original, witty, insightful, and entertaining.  And no matter what they end up with, it'll be released in December.  Trust me.  The American economy is penis-pierced and stuck on Santa's tonsils.  There ain't NO goin' back.

Reason #8: You Owe Someone Out There A Big Fat Can Of Payback.
You know there's a score out there to settle.  Someone out there -- in the bomb-crater that is your life -- got away with it, and this is just begging for payback.  If you drink the Drain-O now, that son of a bitch will have gotten off the hook, and that just can't stand!  Start devising your revenge now, and serve that dish mighty cold.

Reason #9: Sex.
You can never have enough of it, and as long as you can still unroll those Trojans you've got hope of more to come, so to speak.  Icing yourself now -- while it would make you perma-hard for a time, guys -- would be an extremely bad move for your sex life in the "long" run. (Not much pun intended.)

Reason #10: Sooner Or Later A Giant Meteor Or Comet Will Smash Into The Earth And Everything Will Be Destroyed Anyway.
There's no escaping it, eventually it's going to happen and when it does everything you've ever done, and all of your descendants and great-grand descendants, and everything the human race managed to achieve and produce will be obliterated and forgotten and no alien race will ever know we even existed, despite what you think from watching Spielberg/Kubrick's A.I.

So cheer up, buck! Your stuff really isn't so bad after all, is it?  I mean, sure, you've still got to cope with idiot families, endless tension, financial stress, tons of mindless shopping, overeating, sleeplessness, excessive drinking, headaches, depression, suicidal tendencies, narcotic addiction, mood swings, estrangement, alienation, anxiety, listlessness, feelings of dread, embarrassment, and constipation, but at least you've still got a slim chance at doing something worthwhile before we all blink out in a fit of evolutionary inevitability!

Drink up, and smash a glass or three for me, bucky!  L'chaim!!