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Contributed by John Sammon
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Saturday, 12 November 2005 (read 2283 times) |
 There are certain parts of the human body I just can't figure out.
For example, testicles, you know, the little round reproductive spheres men have.
Why testicles? What do they do?
If you're a woman, the best way I can describe it…it's like having an
octopus right under your male organ. These things move and
look, just like an octopus.
They are very loose and flexible, and like an octopus, they float
around. Some times they're in front of your closed legs, sometimes
behind. Sometimes, half in front, half in back.
You can take your hand and switch them, place them further behind you, for example, as you lay in bed.
They hang down and trail behind you every where you go, bobbing from
side to side. It's like having an old worn-out catcher's mitt down
there. These things are very sensitive, and I rarely enjoy reaching
down and feeling them.
Perhaps I'm afraid that what I might feel, for some unexplained reason,
might not feel quite right. I just don't enjoy feeling those, and most
men are like me. It's kind of like the dark side of the moon. You just
don't go there.
Women, on the other hand, have everything neatly packed inside.
You have two of these balls, just like you mostly have two of
everything else. Two hands, two feet, two ears, two nipples, two
shoulders, two. Why always two?
But it's not always two of everything.
You've only got one chin. There are exceptions.
Because testicles are so sensitive, they make me cringe a lot thinking of what could happen if….
For example if a mule kicked me there. Or somebody grabbed me there with pliers.
Only men have these thoughts.
Another body part I can't figure out are eyebrows.
Two tiny strips of hair over your eyes?
If this was originally intended as shade on a hot day, we got gypped.
Why eyebrows? And once again, like everything else, you've got two. Do we need one extra as a backup?
If I shaved my eyebrows, I would look pretty strange. As if having two narrow strips of hair over your eyes isn't strange?
Sometimes women paint fake eyebrows with paint on their foreheads when they don't have enough hair.
Eyebrows have one solitary distinction. They are the only hair located
somewhere else other than your head that is considered attractive (not
counting beards and mustaches). Hair hanging out your nose, hair on
your ears, hair on your back, are all considered gross.
Hair growing out of an ugly mole on your neck is the same.
Hair, to be desirable, is just like real estate. It's location, location, location.
© 2004 by SammonSays.com. Reprinted with permission.
James Sammon is the author of two novels, "The Gods Who Stunk," and "Freedom Pagoda," as well as publishing SammonSays.com.
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