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Bbb-Busted! |
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Written by Scott Meadow
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Tuesday, 22 November 2005 (read 2221 times) |
I really don't like shilling for sites looking to hawk sleazy product.
After all, if IRREVERENT was about making money I'd be the first one to
be shocked and begin retooling. As far as I'm concerned, we're here
solely because of certain rude clauses in the United States
Constitution that various non-fun people have been trying to get rid of
ever since they were enacted. I'm sure they'll get their wish one of
these days. But not before we take a double-stuffed banana creme to
each and every somebody who votes against us and fun.
 Until then, we're here to discuss odd media phenomena like the
bogus "forget-me-not panties"1 and all that that
entails, including potentially sleazy merch: partly because
it's going to irritate some people, and irritating some people is
always worth doing, but mostly because we like looking (tax-deductibly)
at websites that prominently feature female undergarments -- on female
undergarment models -- as we conduct conspiciously questionable
"article research." This, not coincidentally, very closely
resembles the research we regularly conduct at some of the nation's
very finest gentlemen's clubs, where we
have discovered -- also not coincidentally -- that today's exotic
dancers don't have much input into the American political process, but
sure know more than their fair share of
politicians, especially the really fun
ones and not no-tippers like Tom "Lookit-Me-Ma-I'm-Smilin'"
DeLay. Look, I don't care what your deal is, nobody should be
smiling when being booked for a felony. Okay, maybe Ken
Lay. Or Andy Fastow. Or Michael Milken. But nobody, you know, who doesn't have millions banked.
 "Forget-me-not panties" was a totally bogus product rooted in the very
real security paranoia sweeping the
nation; a radically un-fun attitude that the creators (they call
themselves "The Panty Raiders") just couldn't help making fun of.
The panties, see, look just like "regular" panties with one notable
exception: a very small GPS system, powered from a very small watch
battery, and a temperature and heart-rate sensor located directly over
your lady's most extremely private bits, which jet said information
back directly to your PC (free software download available) or your
"hand-held devices" (ho ho ho) in real time. And, faster than you
can say eroding personal boundaries, you are able to "protect her
privates" (to quote their tag line) safely from miles away, even while,
for example, downloading a gabillion bytes of internet
porn.
The "company" appears to be based in Japan, and, for the final gag, the
panties are "sold out" but don't worry 'cause more are on their way.
The only thing that irritates me more than no-fun attacks on personal
freedom -- of the kind parodied here -- is that the Panty Raiders came
up with it before we did. We funny guys may not be vicious
attackers of civil liberties but we sure as hell are jealous of other
funny people's funny bits.
The gag also works because you can just about see some company
actually coming up with something like this to the
overwhelming glee of hardcore weirdos everywhere. No? Think
there's no market? Too "extreme"? Okay, school's in, sucka:
Slide out to Google and take a surf on "tracking device
cheaters." 71,500 hits later, you'll find the likes of detective
agencies and "spy hardware" sellers all claiming to help you uncover
your significant other's wanderlust while profiting handsomely from
your suspicion. If they make pen-sized GPS devices, micro CCTV
cameras, bug sweepers, voice changers, vehicle trackers, portable lie
detectors, and -- my personal favorite -- "5 minute infidelity test
kits"2 for testing your wife's panties for any
manly traces, are peek-a-boo arousal sensing thongs really so far
fetched? Actually, I'm amazed they're not at Wal-Mart underneath
some suspiciously smiling dot.
Statistics are on the dot's side. Something like 22% of all men
and like 14% of women are cheaters according to some studies I'm too
lazy to cite properly, so that translates to a pretty lucrative market
for post-cold-war spy gadget guys. Had to do something with all
those night vision goggles and tracking thingys didn't they, now that
James Bond is less interested in the Russians than he is in Halle
Berry? Anyone else feel that invisible hand of surplus
profiteering reaching into the heart of the American marriage?
Anyone? Hmm?
See now I'm getting paranoid too.
1 The URL is:
http://forgetmenotpanties.contagiousmedia.org/, and it was the Grand
Prize winner in the Contagious Media Showdown put up by Eyebeam
(http://www.eyebeam.org/). They won because they got 20,284,816
hits during the contest run.
2 They call this product "CheckMate," aren't
they cute? One of their pitches read: "With the CheckMate
Infidelity Test, you can catch your cheating spouse without even
leaving the house!" Because apparently you really want to know if
she's sleeping with your buddy Bob, but just can't tear yourself from
the Cheetos long enough to hop in a car and follow her to "bowling
night." Instead you're gonna pull out her panties from the hamper
and drip on this goop, waiting, presumably for something to change
color. Ahh, ewwwwww! Well, anyway, here it is for the curious or
emphatically paranoid, and although my lead-in is all about women, it
tests men's briefs just as well, green-eyed gals:
http://www.infidelitytoday.com/.
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