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At RA Enterprises, I very deliberately hire people who can spot a
golden opportunity, the brass ring, the main chance. As a result,
it came as no suprise to me that my accountant Jedediah "Pa Clampett" Warstein
took off for Florida to assist Michael Schiavo with some newly acquired
financial issues. Jed being highly trained and from a clan of
Appalachian Jews should be able to fit right in in Florida. I
wasn't even upset that several thousand of my dollars followed him.
I can hear you saying "So what, Mercer? What does that have to do
with the price of child labor in Bangalore?" Well nothing, except
for the fact that the first time in years I was forced to do my own
taxes. In doing so I was exposed to a system of graft, corruption
and abuse of public trust unrivalled since Tom Delay was elected to
Congress. I'm talking, of course about the IRS e-file system.
As I type this, Suntory is already giving me a warning against calling the the IRS and its Satanic cabal of e-file partners
a foul pestilence upon the land. He points out that it's too religious
for a non believer and could get me audited. Either way, my
feeling is that he should begin working up my defense because I fully
intend to put the fortunes of RA Enterprises at risk to expose this
evil.
The story begins simply enough. Upon discovering that I was left
to my own devices, I began exhaustive research into the matter.
Quite frankly, I don't know how you people, and by you people I mean
those of you with nothing better to do than wait for the next issue of
this excuse for removing the feeding tube, do it. After wadding
through reams of paper devoted to the IRS instructions, and then
volumes and volumes of "explanations" for those instructions, and still
getting no further than my name, I decided to chuck the whole thing and
go electronic. The first glimmerings of evil began to intrude on
my rosy tax paying world.
The
first thing you notice is that there are a myriad of choices for
e-filing but that none of them involve simply filling in an electronic
edition of the 1040 and calling it done. That would be simple,
elegant, and would prevent companies like H&R Block from making a
fortune from e-filing fees, software sales, and more sinisterly,
providing usurious loans for "instant refunds."
Clearly
a web based solution wasn't for me so, figuring that buying the
software had to be better, I plumped for a box of warez form a well
known firm that was not H&R Block. I was obviously
being seduced by the pure evil at work here, misled by the Prince of
Lies, decieved by ol' Nick, snookered by the fluffy white bunny of the
scorched and blasted plane. (see note)
If I
know you good reader, and I think I do, then by now you are seeking a
way out of this mess. There is one of course but it involves a
little work. Starting now, begin to look for a CPA or tax
preparer that you can do business with. The tax code is a little to
complex to be managed on your own, after all you do read IRREVERENT,
and, like John Edwards you should pay every cent you owe, but you
should owe not very much at all.
Note: If you don't understand that reference then for shame.
Note 2: RA Enterprises and Tyrone Mercer although real entities, are real only for the purposes of
satire. The have no material existence that would in any way bear
scrutinizing by federal tax officials. The opinions of mr Mercer
are his entirely and should in now way be construed as the opinions of
the publisher or owner of IRREVERENT MAGAZINE. Both the
editor and publisher of IRREVERENT felt that the IRS is made up of
foreshadowing genius and is not evil at all.
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Some of the People 
