|
Project Fifteen Minutes |
|
|
|
Contributed by C Lo
|
|
Thursday, 02 March 2006 (read 4235 times) |
Bravo! has done it again! Yes, they have come up with another great,
pointless reality show called Project Runway, hosted by the gorgeous,
deal-with-the-devil beauty, Heidi Klum. The last time I saw Heidi, she
did a cameo for the hit show Sex & The City, and her one line was,
"How do I look?" She then flowed over Carrie Bradshaw on, you guessed
it, the runway. Stunning as ever and very pregnant (although I was
relieved to see that her legs looked thick, at least she's retaining
something), she arrives for a second season on the Bravo channel to say
the now famous words of, "Are you in, or are you out?" "They sew, she
cuts" is how they advertise this great fun of judging people who clearly
have little talent and need to keep their current jobs.
 Here's the skinny and sweet: The winner receives $100,000 to
launch their own line of clothing (that doesn't sound like much to me,
maybe they can't give away as much as Fox - the winner here doesn't even
get spending money!), a 2007 Saturn Roadster (nice), and a spread in
Elle magazine (Elle who? I can't remember the last time I saw
that B.S. of a magazine at the grocery store-why Elle when you can have
Vogue? Elle is for those just past seventeen and pushing
twenty-three, I'm just sayin'.) featuring their line and the winning
model presenting the collection. Then put on television how
sixteen people duke it out with fabric and broken sewing
machines. Each week there is a new challenge and a new winner of
that particular project and of course, a loser.
What does the loser get you may ask? A thank-God-it-wasn't-me
hug, a gay genuine tear (probably of joy), and ten seconds to realize
that you in fact suck big toes and have to clean up your shit and go
back to whatever untalented breeding land you came from. Cool,
huh? Famous today, nothing tomorrow. The wicked world casts
another shadow on the pipe dreams of yet another pathetic individual
who actually conceived the thought that they stood a chance.
Loooooser!
 Speaking of losers, at least these people got on the show in the first
place. In their own little la-la land of a world they consider
themselves a success . . . and so do I. Am I on the show
designing clothing out of supermarket materials-NO. That said,
I'm going to ridicule the first and second season going back and forth
so you get confused enough that you will feel obligated to watch the
show to figure out what the Hell I'm talking about. The first season of
Project Runway was hilarious! Everybody was a character in a
non-flattering way. It did make for great entertaining.
It's been too long for me to remember all the names (not even half),
but I do remember Austin, Jay (the winner of last season), the black
woman with a funny name, the Asian girl that didn't last long, Daniel
somebody who ended up on the second season too-lucky bastard, and some
bitch (Wendy Pepper, who a friend of mine just remembered) with glasses
who claimed someone drew a mustache on her daughter's picture.
That's all I can remember, forgive me. Want to know how I got
entranced by all this? I didn't think so, but tough shit, it's my column.
On some random Wednesday I was flipping through the channels
desperately looking for something remotely entertaining or even
somewhat interesting on TV (there's never anything on TV on
Wednesdays), I would have even settled for Columbo, alas I came across
this reality show and became hooked within five minutes. My
husband came in and glanced at what I was watching and got sucked in to
the show himself. (This never happens.) Maybe it's the
creativity involved or the characters or even Heidi, but who
cares? The network guys actually came up with a show that is
unscriptively (a new word-I'm a writer, I can do that) funny and
doesn't require singing. Thank you!!!
Screw the first season (sorry guys), I don't live in the past.
Let's get into the fresher part of my drunken memory and ridicule the
current season before it even ends. Okay we've got Andrae
(googly-eyed-guy), Chloe (an asian girl), Dan F. (Dan F. who? Oh
yeah, the guy from the first season who apparently did not humiliate
himself concretely enough and came back for more; plus he's actually
straight.), Nick (very sweet gay guy who sweats a lot), Zulema (the
black chick whom no one likes, and don't forget the funny name), Diana,
Raymundo, John, Kirsten, Maria (who are these people? I only know
their names from the web site, although I kinda remember Raymundo, but
who cares?), Kara (the English girl who is a bit annoying even with her
hot accent), and of course, the arrogant, conceited, asshole of the
show who only stands a chance because of his attitude - Santino.
One of the chicks I can't remember was Asian too and had one of those
monotone, soft, mouse-like voices that made you want to suffocate
her. These are the "characters" of the show.
The judges are Heidi (duh, weren't you paying attention?), Michael Kors
(a fashion designer, need I say more?), and some fashion director named
Nina Garcia from Elle magazine. Sometimes there's a special guest
judge like a socialite (Nikki Hilton), or figure skater (Sasha Cohen),
or supermodel (like Iman), or a rockstar, Barbie even made a debut, but
she didn't judge -- she can't talk, she's a doll, hello!! -- or even the post
office (that was a good one from the first season). Hey! I
forgot about Emmett. Yes that is his real name. Pretty cute
for a gay guy. Let's not forget the super glue that holds models
to their garments and can rip you several new assholes: the one,
the only, the gayest of the gays, Tim Gunn, director of Parsons school
of fashion where this kindergarten class of homosexuals takes
place. Except the women, I don't know who's straight or a
closeted snatch grabber. What am I, a biologist?
Last night I was watching the reunion special of the outs and the final
three. Hilarious!! Where do they find these people?
Everyone got to meet face to face and witness the left-handed comments
made about each other and their designs. At least no one walked
off the stage this time (yes, I'm talking about you Wendy Pepper - sore
loser jerk). There was a lot to say about Andrae. First
off, he has a problem deciding what country he's from. Is he
English, Is he French, does he have multiple personality disorder, or
is he German? During the reunion he couldn't conjure up an
excuse, but he perceived the notion that somehow he and Madonna had the
same speech therapist growing up. Interesting, tell us more,
Andrae. In the beginning of the season he had a nervous breakdown
on the runway that lasted for over ten minutes. The judges just
asked him how far he would go for fashion. Apparently to a mental
hospital. Santino couldn't hold the snickering laughter in,
probably thinking, "What a maroon."
Speaking of Santino, tsk, tsk. Everyone hates this guy, even with
his signature plaid, ugly hats. No one wants him to win even if
he finally proves to everyone that he actually deserves to be
there. He tends to hit below the belt when it comes to comments
about the other designers. "I didn't come here to make friends,"
says the lunatic who desperately needs to see a dentist. The
reunion shows this montage of potentially suicide inducing
comments, but Santino says that in actuality he's a compassionate
person. The rest of the cast burst into laughter. However
obnoxious and mean, he can be quite the entertainer impersonating
Tim Gunn and fantasizing a scenario between Andrae and Tim having a gay
tiff at Red Lobster. Outstanding. Let's not forget the
singing of show tunes behind the scenes. You really had to see it.
This show advertised by vacuuming dish soap also produces a crazy,
bitch ass bitch named Zulema with incredible unfinished talent.
She got to the pants hangers first so refused to share.
Meow! She also kept pinning her models' backs and asking if she
could glue the dress onto them. She couldn't understand why the
model was uncooperative if modeling is her job. Plus, to look
more like the devil, intentionally took someone else's model just
because the rules said she could. What a skank. "I don't
care if you cry and cut, but you'd better cut." Is what she
shared with Kara, who now is understandably in therapy.
Then there's Daniel F. from the first season. Hmm. . . what's
this guy's story? He felt he didn't get a chance to prove himself
in the first season so he came back. Wasn't the first try your
chance? Then in the second season he tells the judges he'll take
the blame for the fuck-ups in the design. Is he coming or
going? Does he want to stay or not? Is he sane or
insane? Why won't this guy just go home? The judges have
made themselves perfectly clear that you can't cut it. Take a
hint! By this point he's practically part of the staff. The
producers are like, "Fuck it, we're offering you a job." Maybe he
just looms around outside Parsons and the runway like a stray dog
wearing a big sign that says, "WILL DESIGN FOR FOOD." He's
not going to go away if you keep feeding him, Heidi.
The women in the show are pretty quiet and are a bit boring (I'm not
including Zulema in this statement, naturally), but they do bring the
testosterone levels down a tad. However, the guys bring in a lot
of estrogen as well, so whatd'ya get? I have no idea. A lot
of bitchy women I guess. I can probably include Daniel V. in this
category who is a great designer that has a solid chance of winning at
Olympus fashion week. He's not very entertaining and is quiet and
generally keeps to himself -- probably a heroin addict. He is a
skeleton. All Tim can do is say, "Make it work."
Tim Gunn is suicidingly (I told you I can do that) honest. You
hear a lot of: "I'm worried; I'm looking at this and thinking ugh;
someone has to be cut; do you want this dress to say 'look at my big
fat ass?'; I'm worried about the feminine overtones (for a man's suit);
I hear you do an impression of me, Santino; Andrae, it looks like
you're doing yard work; What is this?; Times up; Make it work
people." He is hilariously brutal!
All this Parsons Asylum brings us is the next big fashion designer in
which we, the non-entertaining, lack of fifteen minutes of fame public
cannot afford. At least it was fun to watch. The season
isn't over yet, so look for more outbursts later this month when I
miraculously come up with a conclusion predicted already by my palm
reader. Are you in, or are you out? As I've explained, most
of them are out. See you in season three, Daniel F. (Which stands
for, "Fuck you, I'm not going anywhere") from the first season!
Aveda Zees! Or whatever the fuck Heidi says when you're out.
|
|
|
Home - Front
