Where have all the kid's TV shows gone? Captain Kangaroo, Howdy Doody, Mister Rogers, Soupy Sales, Sheriff John.

Okay. There's Barney, some guy in a lizard suit. But that's PBS.

Why don't kids have kiddie shows anymore? Look at what they're missing. When we were kids, we grew up with these crazy people.

I volunteer to become the new kiddie show MC, Captain Muppie (Middle Aged, Upwardly Mobile). A show updated to reflect today's world, today's values, and the street smarts and intelligence of today's kids. These modern kids know more about sex than I did when I was twenty years old.

"Hi Kids! Welcome to Captain Muppie's cell phone hour. During the next sixty minutes, we're going to have a lot of fun. We're going to play games, watch films, give prizes, and make all sorts of phone calls ordering expensive stuff without our parent's permission. 

Hey kids! Let's start off by introducing my voluptuous assistant, Laverne Hard Body."

Laverne comes out, a buxom D-cup blonde maiden in a skimpy skirt. She whispers something in Captain Muppie's ear.

"Just a second kids. Ms. Hard Body and I have to discuss something. Now don't you change that channel."

Captain Muppie and Hard Body disappear behind a curtain and reemerge a minute later, their hair and clothing disheveled. "Oh, that was refreshing! We'll have to do that again. Okay kids. Now we're going to watch a little piece on how to fool your parents that you're down the hall working on your homework....when you're really in....Mexico!

(He whispers.) We'll just keep this our little secret, right? Don't tell your parents."

The film runs.

"That was very interesting, wasn't it? Remember to bring Captain Muppie back some maracas and a bottle of tequila. 

"And now, I've got a message for one of our viewers, Billy Baker. Billy. If you go to your stove Billy, and look underneath, you'll find a surprise prize."

Twenty minutes later.

"That was Billy Baker's mother on the phone kids, and she's hopping mad. Billy looked under his stove, and there was no surprise. 

"You see kids, I promised something that I didn't really mean. This is a valuable lesson on how our government works. It's called having an agenda. Let's just say, that I want you to go along with something that I want to do, so I promise you something, knowing that it isn't so. Like say, I wanted you to like a war I started, or I wanted to save money by not giving medicines to old folks. To save money. But I wanted you to think I like old folks. Or, I wanted you to think there wasn't very much oil in the world, and I wanted to raise prices, to make money. See how it works?

"I'd say Billy and the rest of us have just learned a valuable lesson about life. Always do it, if you have a good reason for it. And cover your tracks.

"Just a minute kids."

Captain Muppie whispers in Hard Body's ear. They step behind the curtain, then reappear, their clothing askew. He looks at her lustfully. "You're so expressive, so tough. You....slay me! 

"Okay kids! In the old days, we used to ring doorbells and run away. Today, instead, we're going to make a random cell phone call to Russia. I'm dialing kids. Hello! Who's this? Your name is Ivan, and you speak a little English? You're ten years old? 

"This is Captain Muppie in the greatest country in the world. Look you little Bolshevik, you're lucky to live in the same world with the USA, you capisco (understand?). I'll bet your refrigerator is tiny compared to mine. Mine is filled with yogurt. Yours is empty. My God is God, get it! Yours isn't. (Muppie sings) The bear ran over the mountain, the bear ran over the mountain...."

He hangs up.

"Wasn't that fun kids? Jokes can be a lot of fun.

"That's all the time we have for today kids. Ms. Hard Body and Captain Muppie are on our way to a wild party. Be sure to tune in tomorrow, when we'll talk about insider stock trading. Taa Taa!"

©2006, SammonSays.com.  Reprinted with permission.