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Roughly ever since I thought about it, the idea of Internet Dating Services has piqued my interest. Like most Americans, my view of computers is largely represented by Robbie The Robot insanely programmed to protect Will Robinson in "Lost In Space." It therefore astounded me to learn that so many online dating services had cropped up like weeds in a field, especially since I never saw Robbie watching humans have sex. How much could he know?
To investigate, I went deep undercover as "Jack Slater," a persona I developed using Dr. Robert Hare's research on psychopathy ("Without Conscience"). "Jack" is the quintessential psychopath: clever, manipulative, amoral, extroverted, personable and incredibly charming. He'd had run-ins with the law (but all of the "forgivable" kind...), is an avid reader of "true crime" novels and collects materialist philosophy sound bites to justify his savage underlying pathology.
So, research in hand, I decided to warm up via several Internet chat rooms to give my character some depth. Jack's first encounter was with gothGryll9881 in a room called "Singles Only":
jackblkk77:
Tell me what ur wearing?
gothGryll9881:
oooh, i like a man who knows what he wants!
jackblkk77:
Generally I pick ladies who wear red or orange. r u?
gothGryll9881:
only my panties. red with a long, thin v-string.
jackblkk77:
In case something happens, the colors hide the blood well.
He met vickyvik88 in a room called "MSW/WSM: Casual."
slaterg8r1:
So tell me what you do when you're not getting me hard as a rock?
vickyvik88:
(smiling coyly) now, now, you don't think a girl would tell just
anyone personal stuff like that, do you?
slaterg8r1:
You're been virtually yanking my axe handle for an hour, I thought
we'd grown close.
vickyvik88:
(tickling your balls)
slaterg8r1:
So... do you cum harder if you're being strangled?
Before long, Jack was starting to develop a personality that was all his own. Like Frankenstein, I may have created him but as soon as he got out there among the people he couldn't contain his violent bloodlust.
barbieLuvr6969:
jack, you seem like you work outside a lot. am i right?
jackRippr99:
Sometimes. It depends on where I can get rid of the remains.
barbieLuvr6969:
oooh, a man of mystery! i love that!
jackRippr99:
A lot of mystery helps delay the investigation. I try not to leave
any DNA or other trace evidence at the scene.
barbieLuvr6969:
u r very detail oriented, aren't u? i'm a pretty gud judge of character.
jackRippr99:
I have to be. You'd be surprised how effective luminol is at
uncovering blood stains.
barbieLuvr6969:
lol! so... would u like to meet sometime?
After this, I knew I was ready for the Online Matchmaking Scene, where despair goes high-tech.
Now, there are two big players in this niche: match.com and eharmony.com. Jack signed up with both of them and the results were pretty interesting. First, however, let's talk about surveys.
Without going into too much boring and copyrighted detail, it's sufficient to say that each site runs applicants through a battery of "scientific" self surveys. Those quotes are hanging around because the science here is pretty questionable.
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Which (3) words would your friends use to describe you best?
| arrogant | | insane | | deliberate |
| self reliant | | happy-go-lucky | | brooding |
| anal retentive | | apoplectic | | psychotic |
If you could change any (3) things about yourself, what would they be?
| hygiene | | lips | | buttocks |
| aroma | | bra size | | cup size |
| weight | | feet | | shorts |
| legs | | acne | | personality |
What (3) goals are the most important to you from this list?
| steady relationship | | quick-healing partner | | mapping out prime burial sites |
| career attainment | | watching T.V. | | death of a loved one |
| pulling off the perfect crime | | washing more | | washing less |
| popping my zits | | eating more tofu | | sex. lots of sex. |
What things best describe what you look for in a partner? (choose as many as you wish)
| good aim | | no relatives or friends | | wealth |
| sexual stamina | | morbid obesity | | anorexia |
| common blood type | | no gag reflex | | clean feet |
| a job | | a hot car | | no credit rating |
| fresh scent | | grease | | debt free |
Pretty soon it starts to feel like the 9th grade all over again. These things are draining and really nothing more than a completely subjective self evaluation with some redundant questions thrown in to try to "trip you up" if you were "lying." I found no trouble answering consistently as Jack and I suspect that everyone else who takes these things doesn't bat an eyelash lying through their teeth in their attempt to attract the mate they feel they're entitled to, which is the random T.V./magazine supermodel of the week.
Now, you may think that Robbie, even just cross referencing Jack's responses would have a pretty tough time matching him up with women looking for that sort of sociopathic abuse. Well, think again: not only did BOTH services offer up MULTIPLE "potential partners," but they did it in less than 24 hours! I must admit, it took me by surprise just as it delighted me to have another column in the can!
Obviously, they don't give you the women's (in this case) full names right off the bat. That's something reserved for the upwards of $500 per year membership fee, unless the woman is stupid enough to tell you herself. Therefore, it's either a credit to my ability to role-play Jack or to the terribly desperate strait jacket American DatingTM finds itself in these days, but ONE woman actually wanted to MEET! It was shortly after this point that I decided, definitively, to put "Jack" away in a locked closet and never, ever let him out again. Ever.
To be fair, of the TEN women from both services that were buddied-up with Jack, three of them virtually instantly BLOCKED him from any further communication, after, I suspect, reading this guy's personality profile and seriously reconsidering that application to Sister Mary's Convent. Those 30% are to the system's credit, but what the hell's the story with the other 70%?
From the start I was banking on Jack being rejected and, hopefully, a letter being sent to his email address explaining why the results turned up negative. As funny as that would have been, the reality was equally disturbing.
So in the final analysis, Robbie doesn't know jack about sex after all. My advice is to stick to the bars and meat markets for sex and church groups for marriage. At least there if you pull out a psycho, he won't know too much about you....
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CIU 
