During the recent 2004 gifting season, I had time to reflect, as I waited in line with hordes of other shoppers attempting to purchase a loved one's affections, what a wonderful group of people retail employees are.  Everyday, in shopping malls everywhere, they put their sanity on the line in order to separate us from our hard earned cash.  In those rare instances in which we need to get our money back, they cheerfully deny our requests all the while smiling as they recite some bullshit arbitrary reason why they won't accept the return even though that silk shirt really shouldn't have stained when we mopped up the red wine with it.  As I watched these angels in action during some heavy duty shopping experiences, I was struck by how fragile and human these folks actually are.  Fortunately a recent headline from the Denver Post has set me straight.

You see it turns out that frontline retail employees for major retailers, like oh, say The Gap^TM, have been getting too uppity as they go about their business ensuring repeat customers, keeping stores clean, and protecting the assets of their corporate masters.  Knowing that they couldn't be outsourced -- after all a six year old in Bangalore can't actually show you how that faux suede belt totally goes with your eyes -- your average Gap employee was starting to think that they might actually be able to bring some dignity to the job.  If you've read the article then you know that The Gap has found a uniquely enterprising way to nip this kind of bizarre groupthink straight in the bud.  God bless them they even found away to make it look like a Public Service^®.

So here's how The Gap's whole scheme works: You start with an underperforming brand name known mostly for selling the modern day equivalent of a twin-set and pearls.  In a clothing world dominated by size zero waifs and six-pack-sporting alpha males staring moodily out of vaguely homoerotic portraits, catering to the "just over thirty" set is not conducive to increasing shareholder value.  So the Gap, in a move that is brilliant marketing and fantastic public relations all rolled into one, has announced that starting in February, they will close five out of six stores in Colorado for extensive remodeling in order to test a new marketing concept.  Now Gap executives, who have faced problems in the past over third world labor, decided that rather than  lay off the staff of those stores during the three month facelift, they would simply donate the employees, like the chattel they are,  to a worthy charity.  Take that WTO protesters! What you don't want the charities to get help?

“ Guess the board of directors at The Gap, Inc. are hoping a little "volunteer" work will save some employee souls.
-- Mercer”

In the event that any of Gap's Colorado employees missed their new status, several of them were informed that they would be working for Habitat for Humanity.  Sadly Habitat PR flacks were unavailable for comment on the Post article, and I can assure you that had I bothered to contact them, they would have been "unavailable" for me as well.  Since this is Officially Satire¹, however, Mr. Suntory says that I can engage in some idle speculation even though this column in not affiliated in any way with FOX broadcasting.  I suspect that Habitat officials are pretty surprised by the offer of "wage slaves."  After all Habitat's own requirement that clients be able to repay the mortgage on the houses it builds eliminates the average Gap associate from benefiting from the charity, and yet these very people are being "volunteered" to build Habitat houses.  Obviously, the houses will be fabulously decorated, but I can't help feeling that the sight of all those leather toolbelts and tight jeans are going to have a negative impact on productivity.   And no hanky-panky mister, Habitat is an ecumenical Christian organization receiving the support of such wonderfully liberal, progressive groups as the Archdiocese of Denver and the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America.  Guess the board of directors at The Gap, Inc. are hoping a little "volunteer" work will save some employee souls.

Now there are some people who are all for this idea, and oddly enough one of them, Jean Galloway, is quoted in the article.  Even more strangely, Ms. Galloway is a consultant that helps companies give away money to non-profit organizations.  According to the Post article, she thinks "more companies should follow suit," as it "shows a sensitivity and appreciation of the needs of the nonprofit sector."   Apparently the nonprofit sector needs sullen retail associates who would much rather be folding t-shirts than swinging a hammer in a cold Colorado spring, and some kind of "consultant" to help companies force the associates to volunteer. Well you can imagine my delight to see in one newspaper article not only a column idea, but also a fantastic new sideline for R.A. Enterprises:  arranging forced volunteerism.  I'll start with my own staff because, as I cast my eye about the office, I see quite a few employees and interns who are feeling a little smug about how they have a "real" job now.  Some have been downright derisive about never returning to "retail jail." I had even noticed, as I went through the keystroke log that one of them had posted a comment to this piece of progressivist dreck telling the author that he was right on about retail being the crappiest job in the universe.  Even Suntory, as serene and humble as he is, could easily benefit from being paid to build houses rather than offer up his excellent legal advice.  Of course I have the perfect name for the new division.  How does Confederated Labor sound to you? 

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¹ Tyrone Mercer, known hereafter as The Writer, is a licensed satirist, or maybe that's licentious, either way he, R.A. Enterprises, and all those connected with the production of this excuse for stricter graduation requirements, cannot be held liable for misstatement, inaccuracies, hyperbole, speculation, or random character assassination.  It is well known among his drinking companions that The Writer has no material or cash assets and that any requests for same, in the form of "Hey do you have that five bucks you owe me?" are frequently met with a rapid pat down of his pockets, the phrase "Aw gee, you caught me at a bad time, come see me next Tuesday, I'm getting paid on a contract then," and a flurry of letters from the Offices of Suntory, Bushmills, and Laphroaig, Attorneys at Law.  Anyone seeking redress of damages is advised to contact Bill Gates who made the realization of The Writer's potential his passion.