U.S.S. PARIS HILTON - In a speech today aboard the U.S.S. Paris Hilton, President Bush told Pakistani president Gen. Pervez Musharraf that he should "take off his uniform," stepping down as head of the army and swiftly hold elections.
 President Bush addressed servicemen aboard the U.S.S. Paris Hilton Wednesday. The Commander in Chief also addressed V.A. medical care, tour-of-duty extensions, and food stamps, topics of interest to the military servicemen aboard, often to wild applause and cheering. "I want to make sure that when ya'll gets yer..ahh.. toes blowed off fighting the forces of terror, some jerk in a hospital ain't eye-fuckin' ya when yer asleep. That just ain't right." No context for the President's remarks were available as of filing. President Musharraf, too exhausted from a record day of detentions, executions, and mass imprisonment of all dissenters, did not comment directly on any of the President's remarks, however aides close to the military strongman have hinted that Musharraf was "pretty pissed" at being told what to do with his own country. Aides say the leader is still "firmly committed" to a course of "peace and democracy... as soon as he crushes all those who oppose him." Wall Street, having recently lost it's house to foreclosure, didn't show up for work at all today, opting instead for a self-indulgent orgy of comfort food, pity sex, and videogames over at his girlfriend's apartment. The two are roundly expected to "get hitched" as soon as he finds a home he can afford.
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