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Completely Uninspiring. Sort Of. |
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Written by Scott Meadow
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Monday, 20 June 2005 (read 2211 times) |
I really gotta stop looking for humorous inspiration in the news for my
column. Sure there are always funny bits in the news, some easier than
others, like Rush Limbaugh being outed as a drug abusing criminal, but
more often than not it's just not very funny. Today, for example, John
Walton, the heir to the Wal-Mart billions -- the 11th richest person on
the planet earth, according to the Forbes 100 -- died in a plane
crash. That's just not funny. Granted it's odd, but not a
knee-slapper, unless you're the next BTK killer, in which case I'd
really rather you go visit a different website, despite the fact that
we seem to discuss psychopaths and social deviants a bit more than the
average humor zine.
 It's odd because I'm always suspicious when the 11th richest person on
the planet dies in an "accident." I tend to think that if I, for
example, had a little over $18 billion, these types of accidents
wouldn't happen to me. For one thing, I'd
make damn sure not to skimp on the "airplane maintenance" fund.
For christsake I've got $18 billion here. Pay the man. This
is no part of the budget to be cheap on. Make the wheels
solid gold if it'll help.
For another thing, I'd make sure to surround myself with large guys
with little to no neck who carry large aperture weaponry and have the
legal right to blow gaping holes in people who try to harm me.
Being the 11th richest homo sapien, I can imagine there'd be
way more people who'd love to see me slip on a
banana peel and drop down a mine shaft "on accident" than those who'd
rather not. I'm guessing there's something like 6,500,000,000 more
people, in fact. And at least 89 of
them have a whole lot of resources to draw upon.
Including banana companies and significant mining interests.
So when both the no neck guys and airplane maintenance funds seem to
have disappeared, and the 11th most wealthy ape descendent goes the way
of the dodo bird -- a decorated Green Beret, no less -- it certainly
raises an eyebrow with people as suspicious, paranoid and realistic as
myself. I don't pretend to understand what it's like to have that
kind of wealth, but when it comes to understanding people who
envy people who do, you can
call me as an expert witness.
I don't think you need to be a tinfoil-topped conspiracy nut to imagine
there were a lot of people close to this guy who'll profit from his
untimely demise, but as surely as O.J. can
hit a birdie on any of America's finest golf courses and super-freak
Michael Jackson can sleep comfortably in a
bed full of children, money can buy a certain degree of legal
blindness, or at least temporary blindness.
Really, who do you think gouged out Lady Justice's
eyes in the first place?
Quite a few wealthy and powerful people die in plane crashes too, make
no mistake about it. Yet for some reason the investigations are
always pretty quiet.
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