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In Space, Nobody Cares If You Scream Print E-mail
Written by Scott Meadow   
Thursday, 21 July 2005 (read 1762 times)
I was watching a series of alien shows the other day on the Discovery channel or TLC, like there's a difference, and I was suddenly aware of why these things were so fantasically popular.  See, in all honesty (here's a precedent) I view this type of sensationalism as primarily cheap exploitation pieces pointing out the extreme ignorance of the human majority.  This is, of course, why I like them.

But for the first time I understood that it was only an over-marketed, over-sold and under-critically-educated public that would ever buy that over 4,000,000 Americans a year were "abducted by extraterrestrial beings."  In short: spend $260 billion a year on advertising messages and the public that consumes them will believe just about anything else you tell them, if it's even remotely possible, all the better.

See  I don't believe that this whole phenomenon (UFOs, alien abductions, etc.)  can be explained by Huck and Joe's simplemindedness when they tell everyone that they were dragged from their trailer park by aliens looking to gang-probe their anuses.  I think simplemindedness just isn't enough to explain it. I think you have to add gullibility and good old fashioned salesmanship as well.

By and large, people -- not just Huck and Joe, but the vast majority of homo sapiens -- will believe or do anything given enough persuasion.  Do you think the CIA would have clamped car batteries to the testicles of POWs if this principle didn't work?  Believe me, no straight CIA operative would've be anxious to drop another man's drawers and get that close to his testes unless he was virtually guaranteed results.  And how else can you explain Dr. Phil?

People are gullible.  Plus you can't pick your nose these days without finding some representation of one of those gray aliens, probably selling you a beer or soda in between Boot Camp segments.  Everyone's got this image so ingrained in their tiny craniums that virtually any time they look up they swear they see an alien spacecraft instead of two crackers in a Cessna Beech Baron tossing beer bottles into the propeller.  Nobody even looks for the obvious explanation anymore because the obvious, and most often correct explanation is boring and trite and forces them to realize how really boring and trite life on this little packed mud ball really is after all.

Who wants to look THAT in the face?  I'd much rather gaze at the short psychic gray guy with the big head than be forced to stare at my own mundaneness.  Hell, I'll even take a little probing if I don't have to accept the fact that NO self-respecting alien race is going to travel 10 billion light-years just to get THAT close to my scrotum.  They could've saved themselves the fuel and just called the Agency.

I mean, seriously: don't they have environmentalists on their home world or anyone looking after how they use their natural resources?  How the hell do they justify to their alien congress or whatever that it is a worthwhile thing to travel 98 trillion miles to investigate the digestive systems of a race so astonishingly primitive that it actually enjoys the music of Garth Brooks?

I would give anything to be a fly on the wall during one of those meetings.

Elder: "So, Do'ron, you wish to travel to the third planet of this vastly distant star system so you may study the lower gastrointestinal tract of ape descendents?"

Gray Alien: "Well, yes."

Elder: "Why?"

Gray Alien: "Well, sir, we believe that we can learn things from these primitives that we in our advanced technological state have long since forgotten.  We believe that their primitive emotions will convince us that our cold technology is not a sufficient replacement for meaningful and enriching loving attachments."

Elder: "Okay.  So why the probes?"

Gray Alien: "Well, sir, not having anuses per se, we are curious as to why so much of their culture revolves around these small orifices."

Elder: "You've been doing this for fifty years, our tools are approximately 1 billion years more advanced than theirs and you still don't have enough data on their bowels yet?  Come on."

Gray Alien: "No!  No, sir, this is a serious scientific expedition!"

Elder: "(tapping all 8 fingers) Remember, I'm psychic."

Gray Alien: "All right, okay, it's fun.  Sir."

Elder: "Well.  Fine, then.  Don't crash on any ranches and mutilate some cows while you're there for good measure."

Gray Alien: "Yes sir!"

Thank the big dude for biodiversity, huh?
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