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Gift Ideas For People You Don't Particularly Like |
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Written by Administrator
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Sunday, 12 December 2004 (read 2288 times) |
Every year I find myself in the same dilemma: what to buy all those
people I've accumulated on my X-Mas list that I don't particularly like
but am obligated to buy something for anyway. As you can imagine, each
year brings new mildly insulting, passive-aggressive challenges. Lucky
for me, however, our economy produces more
than enough gifts of marginal quality and questionable
taste each holiday season to keep all the cretins on my list satisfied,
or at least without too much to whine about publicly. Since I can't be
alone, I've decided to share. In Animaniacs
fashion, I call them my "special friends" or SFs for short.
The key to this form of "giving" lies in walking that fine line between
being directly insulting and just being socially
awkward and/or inappropriate. I think you'll get into the holiday
spirit after some examples that have worked for me in the past.
1. Expired Gift Cards.
Since they're expired, you can usually get these for
extremely low cost or free from quality department
stores and financial institutions throughout the country.
Personally, I've found the $1,000-$10,000 levels work particularly well
with significant others you're looking to ditch/divorce,
live-in-but-about-to-separate-anyway girlfriends or boyfriends, or
anyone who will be likely to give you sex as a result of the gift
without being suspicious enough to make
sure that the card will actually work
beforehand. I can't emphasize that last
point strong enough, speaking from personal experience and still
walking with a slight limp.
When found out, of course, you must reinforce how much you spent on the
card and promise to raise all sorts of hell with whatever establishment
you purchased the card from. This one requires the most acting
talent of the list but is also one of the most fun if played correctly.
2. A Suggestive Greeting Card That
Indirectly Hits On Your Special Friend's Girlfriend or
Boyfriend.
You can usually find something perfect in
Spencer's for this one in whatever is sex
appropriate for your special friend. It should say something
along the lines of, "Wow, how did YOU get so lucky?" with a picture of
a sexy girl or boy on the cover (whatever your friend's S.O. is), and
inside print your phone number with a little smiley face. For the
final touch, include a crisp $50 bill.
3. Overly Complicated Much "Assembly Required"
Toys For Your Special Friend's Children
If your special friend has younger children, buy them extremely
complicated, tiny-parts toys that will require your SF several hours to
assemble, during which the children will incessantly be asking, "When
will you be done, mommy or daddy?" I suggest any type of Bionicle
or sufficiently complicated Lego kit, like the space shuttle, empire
state building, or International Space Station.
4. Extremely Noisy And Annoying Toys For Your Special Friend's Children
Here anything that talks, sings, or preferably plays music is the
key. It really helps if the voice is suitably annoying, like a
Spongebob Squarepants or incomprehensible Scooby Doo. Make sure
there is only one or two volume settings and that several sets of C or
D-cells are required -- 4 to 8 is good -- but
don't include them with your gift.
5. A Large Quantity Of Food Your Special Friend Is Allergic To.
Large tins of cashews or equally expensive legumes for those allergic
to nuts, milk or dairy products for the lactose intolerant, and, of
course, chocolate or caffeine for those who suffer from chronic
migraines. If they are rude enough to remind you of their allergy
or condition, smack your noggin like a V-8 commercial, play forgetful,
and hint at how much you spent and how much trouble you went through,
to the point of making them embarrassed for
bringing it up in the first place. (This one can be enormously
satisfying because it is, in fact, a completely useless gift.)
6. Flavored Condoms.
This will only work for less casual, more intimate acquaintances, but
not really your S.O. or spouse, unless, of course, they're way uptight
or Republican. Let's face it: giving your special friend that you
don't know very well -- woman or man -- a box of flavored condoms will
always be at least mildly awkward and almost always insulting.
7. A Case Of Odious And Probably Corked Wine.
If you're a wine drinker, you've learned to spot the signs: bad region,
bad year, bottles stored incorrectly to virtually guarantee a cracked
top and corked vino. Pick up as many as you can (for as cheaply
as possible, let's face it this is basically vinegar grade stuff here),
wrap it attractively, and present it warmly to your SF.
8. Sexy Underwear For Your SF's Spouse or S.O.
Skimpy v-strings or thongs for the ladies and sexy speedo-style briefs
for the men. The message here is clear: either you'd like to see
the S.O. in these, or you already have and want more, in either case be
prepared for a fight depending upon how far you take this, how much you
dislike your SF, and how much you like
your SF's S.O....
9. A Book You Bought, Read And Didn't Like.
Something by John Grisham perhaps, or maybe Tom Wolfe or even veritable
cranky guy Andy Rooney. In any case, the criteria here is bad,
but not too bad: bad but imminently popular, at least in some snobby
circle. Thomas (*yawn*) Hardy type bad. This will give you
"critical deniability" when your SF discovers how awful it is.
For full effect, you must make sure to work into conversation that
you've read the book and didn't like it, either before or after they've
opened it, depending upon the effect you wish to have.
10. A Big Book On Resume Tips.
This one works like this: "gee, how thoughtful," your SF says, since
it's a "how-to" book and you're perceived as being helpful and
nice. Then, "Wait a minute, what's this guy saying here? My
job sucks and I need to get a real job, is that it? I'm lazy, is
that what he's saying?" And finally, "Okay, well cram it with
walnuts, curly, I'm getting you 50 Ways To Satisfy Your
Lover next year."
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