Can you see the logic?

The close relationship, the natural progression, from one thought to the next?

Each year at Christmas we celebrate the birth of a First Century AD Galilean holy man and prophet, who preached, according to what we find in the Bible, humility, forbearance, sweetness and frugality. We celebrate this with an orgy of retail spending.

We also celebrate this short and obscure life, for there isn't much hard historical evidence of the details, by promoting the mythological arrival on your roof of a German fat man in a red suit, in a sleigh pulled by wild bovines, one of whom has an incandescent nose.

Doesn't it make sense? It all makes perfect sense to me.

Read more: 10 Reasons Why Christmas is Ridiculous

I call for an immediate attack on Saudi Arabia to take over their oil and to install an American-backed regime in Riyadh friendlier to the United States. It's been eight whole years, and we haven't  attacked a third country yet. We only attack countries weaker and smaller than ourselves. It was Saudi Arabia remember that supplied the hijackers that carried out 9-11.

Why do we love Saudi Arabia? We hate Moslems. Because of 9-11, we hate all Muslims, even those poor slobs in Indonesia, right?

We could make Saudi Arabia first an exploited colony garrisoned by American troops and ruled by an American viceroy who looks like John Wayne. He could saunter around with a pair of pistols and say to all the turban-heads, get out of my way, Pilgrim!

Eventually, we would annex Saudi Arabia and make it the 51st state in the union.

We would call it, Saudi America.

Read more: Saudi America

Since nobody uses it, why do we have the word “ouch,” the sound you make when you hurt yourself?

Where did this word come from? There is no doubt, back in the mists of time, when small men with giant reproductive organs walked the earth looking for women and wearing animal skins, they made up the first words by making similar sounds to the thought they wanted to express, or the danger they wanted to communicate.
It was mostly about danger back then. There was little incentive to go to all the trouble to make up a word to say, “Pass me the saber-tooth.”

Thus, if you were a caveman and saw a dangerous snake, you told your partner “hiss!” In other words, look out, there’s a f..’ckin’ snake. Then, if you wanted your partner to hit the f..’ckin snake over the head with a rock, you said, “hiss, smash!”

But if your partner missed, and hit your toe with the rock instead, you said “OW!” Not ouch. That came later, when more sophisticated words were added.

Read more: Why OW?

This is a story about my balls. Not the typical story. You can get that from any number of highly satisfied co-eds and Swedish au pairs. This story is how Health Care Reform^TM is like my nut sack: big, hairy, and when you play with it you end up with a mess on your hands.

Now, I'm a man of a certain age, and, in the way of things that come to men of a certain age, I noticed a suspicious bulge in the groinal area. I'm no stranger to a bulge down there, let me tell you, but this was a bulge where it didn't belong. Since my health insurance is good I bundled myself off to that sadist posing as my general practitioner to sort out the problem. In response this highly trained medico told me to unbutton my pants and then produced a rubber glove and an index finger. He subsequently shoved said index finger up my scrotum and told me to bear down as if I was taking a crap. He repeated the routine on the other side and, with a kind of wizardly knowledge, like that of children's literature's favorite pederast Dumbledore, pronounced the diagnosis: double inguinal hernia. Essentially my guts had escaped their home. The doc's recommendation was surgery, laparoscopic, and the sooner the better. Although I wasn't feeling any constant pain and could probably survive several years without the procedure, if things suddenly went south it could be very bad and expensive indeed. So off he goes and a few minutes later in waddled the nurse and lo and behold I had an appointment with a surgeon.

Read more: Reform School