IRREVERENT Magazine - Features
Man Shocked That His Fantasy Football Success Didn’t Get Him Laid On First Date
ARLINGTON, VA - When Kyle “Lombardi” Pennington, 25, first made a date with Charlene Davidson, he said he thought she was into sports. The two had met on Match.com, and in their texts and e-mail exchanges, she seemed “pretty cool and could talk some fantasy football, at least enough to hold a decent conversation,” Pennington said.
But when the two met up last Friday night for their first official date, Pennington said she wasn’t at all like she came across in her e-mails.
“She was totally different than she was online,” Pennington said. “I immediately started telling her about my draft preparation, about how most a------- only spend the week or two leading up to their draft reading magazines or s--- online. But any champion will tell you, if you’re serious, you have to read stuff all year round about players and teams. That’s the first step in winning championships. Are you writing this down, bro?”
Pennington said he brought his league championship trophy on their date, which he’d “won four out of the last five years. That by itself should have gotten me (to third base).”
Read more: Man Shocked That His Fantasy Football Success Didn’t Get Him Laid On First Date
Defense Sec. Panetta "Deeply Worried" Over Groundhog Prediction
WASHINGTON - Today U.S. Defense Secretary Leon Panetta admitted "grave worries" over Punxsutawney Phil's prediction of "six more weeks of winter."
"We are currently studying the ramifications in many different dimensions," said Panetta, his face pinched in worry. "However, I can tell you," Panetta added, crinkling his nose, "I am deeply, deeply worried."
Expanding on his remarks with his trademark bloodhound "Leo" at his side, a sour-faced Panetta explained that he was "extremely, amazingly worried" about Phil's prediction due to it's possible impact to "all current U.S. military operations" as well as it "simply being very troubling." "In short, I am very worried and will continue to monitor the situation, and every single possible outcome, in every conceivable way that I can, losing days of sleep in the process," said a very worried Panetta, squinting and making his best worried face.
Read more: Defense Sec. Panetta "Deeply Worried" Over Groundhog Prediction
Facebook I.P.O. Biggest Event In Human History, Says Facebook
MENLO PARK - Highly placed Facebook sources today confirmed that the pending I.P.O. will "dwarf all other human events..throughout history."
The I.P.O., which is anticipated to launch Wednesday, is widely expected to eclipse the 1969 moon landing, the publication of Gutenberg's bible, and the building of the Great Pyramids at Giza combined. "This is, without doubt, the single greatest thing humanity has yet achieved," said C.E.O. Mark Zuckerberg, "or, quite frankly, is likely to ever achieve. Today I walk with the Gods. I... I am immortal."
Sources outside the firm, but connected to the I.P.O., have wholeheartedly confirmed Zuckerberg's appraisal. "He is god, or if not THE god, certainly A god," said one investment banker at a prominent Wall Street firm. "Facebook will be the ultimate I.P.O. and the crowning achievement of 21st century capitalism. I have no idea what could possibly come next!"
Read more: Facebook I.P.O. Biggest Event In Human History, Says Facebook
Italian Ship Captain Admits He Was Updating Facebook
ITALY - Captain Umberto Rotolo today confessed to investigators he was "updating his Facebook status" instead of driving the Costa Concordia cruise ship.
As a result, the luxury cruise ship Costa Concordia capsized near the Tuscan island of Isola del Giglio. "My phone, she is very hard to use with Swype," said Rotolo, holding up his Android cell phone. "The letters, they are almost always wrong, and I havato correct them many times and often. Anda my screen, she is always oily and hard to see."
Investigator Agapito Pastore called the captain's admission "a relief... to finally knowa the truth." "We'vea been looking at everything here, to understand," said Pastore. "We thoughta the six bottles of Chianti meant he wasa drunka, but no, he was well within the legal limits for Italy. Now Facebook, thata explains everything."
Read more: Italian Ship Captain Admits He Was Updating Facebook
Tax Protesters Maimed By Collapsing Bridge
BOSTON - A group of tax protesters were wounded this morning when a nearby bridge collapsed into rubble from years and years of neglect.
The collapse also took down a set of power and telephone lines, knocking out service to nearly 1,000 local homes. "In truth, those lines were ready to fall down on their own," confessed Stuart Miller, a city engineer investigating the incident. "We were all kinda surprised they made it this long. They were put up sometime in the 1950s."
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