Bad Advice Guy
Notoriously bad advice from IRREVERENT's very own Tony, The Bad Advice Guy, T.BAG for short. Tony comes to IRREVERENT fresh from the seedy little burg of Washington D.C., where he works, plays, and rubs elbows (among other things) with the nation's elite. On a good day, he can see Hillary herself getting dressed for work, although why he'd want to is better left to the imagination.
Readers are not encouraged to actually follow his bad advice, but ARE encourage to send him your questions, concerns and other baggage.
He promises to read them and select a few lucky folks to be T.BAG'ed. For a given definition of "lucky," of course. And yes, those are his REAL tea bags.
That's Gall Folks!
Greetings Mr. T.Bag,
Permit me a simple quandary- but first, let me tell you that I am something of a genius. Therefore, I am rather recalcitrant in partaking of other’s advice. However, I have been trying to capture a certain aviary vermin for some time now- and meeting with great hardships. Common attempts have included:
1. Bird seed used under a snare/rock/booby trap.
2. Painting realistic scenery on cliffs for said prey to run into.
3. Multiple contraptions from one ACME Corporation- all of which seem to fail at inappropriate times.
In some instances, the very laws of physics seem to be mercilessly inconsistent. Mr. T. Bag- how would you suggest I “acquire” said feathered quarry?
Loves Road Runner with fricassee – Genius Emeritus
(Desert S.W.)
Dear Loves Fricasseeing,
Just because you had a nerdgasm on a piece of paper doesn’t mean you have to send it to me. I don’t care if you are a genius from the Emirates , keep your 103 pt scrabble words to yourself. You know what I had to do to decipher your letter? I had to talk to an MIT grad
You want to catch this bird, right? That’s what you were trying to say with your supersized words? Bird is a word, buddy, just ask every surf-rock band from the 60s. I’m not even going to ask the obvious question of why you can’t just order a hoagie if you can order all this crap from ACME. Fine, you have a weird fetish for wanting to catch one road runner. Just promise me its cause you want to eat it and nothing else. Cause if you’re trying to get some posthumous pleasures out of this then you need to write to Savage Love, not me. Creepadelic!
Dear T.Bag: Ponzis, Pyramids, and Patsies. Oh Man.
Dear T.BAG,
I set up a Ponzi scheme 10 years ago and have involved hundreds of people and tens of millions of dollars in it. Nobody knows! Recently, I started noticing a weird pain in my stomach and headaches when I accept a new “investor” in the fraud. Should I see a chiropractor?
Marty in New Jersey
Dear sMarty in NJ,
Who’s Ponzi? Wasn’t that a guy on Happy Days? No, that was Fonzie….or was it Potsie? Who names their kid Potsie? haha. Maybe it was like the Roberts family that named their kid ‘Cokie’. If I have a kid, I’ll name him Methy. If Fonzie and Potsie had a kid they would have to name it Ponzi. That child would be the result of an unholy union in the back of Arnold’s Drive In. That child would be ugly. Maybe that’s what Chachi was...
Dude, did you even have a question? What the hell.
Read more: Dear T.Bag: Ponzis, Pyramids, and Patsies. Oh Man.
Dear T.Bag: Renegade Without a Cause
Dear T-Bag,
A bunch of guys at work are harshing my mellow. All they can do is say “no” to everything I want to do. Now it looks like the company may hire more dudes just like them! I could be out of a job in a couple of years! How can I work around them?
POTUS in DC
Dear Pot guy,
You know what harshes my mellow? No smoking in bars. So, I can’t pollute the lungs of people sitting next to me, but those same people can pollute their liver. I mean, you have TWO lungs, but only ONE liver, so what gives?? Did these health nuts come to the bar on their way to the YMCA?? Oooohhh, it’s bad for the bartender....Hey barkeep! Pick three letters: MGD or GED. While you’re deciding, suck some carcinogens and get my ass some liver killing puke fuel.
Dear T.Bag: Marsha, Marsha, Marshaaaaah...
Dear T.BAG,
I used to think Marsha was hot [in the Brady Bunch], but recently I’ve started whacking to Betty from the Flintstones. Should I tell Marsha or keep living a lie?
CBookGuy in Florida
Dear CLooksGay,
You’re right, Marsha was hot. According to my sources (the internet) she no longer is. Betty is a fine substitute for the handy shandy, but I wonder why you wouldn’t take it all the way and simply shuck the corn to Jessica Rabbit? Have you discussed other worthy cartoon substitutes with your family or random children? They’re really the best source for knowing what’s out there. (Please note: only discuss the cartoons with these individuals, do not discuss why you want to know. This is why my cousin Tito isn’t allowed near high schools anymore.)
Dear T.Bag: Itchy & Scratchy in Alabama
Dear T.BAG,
I think I have dandruff and the commercials have terrified me! Am I totally unlovable thanks to all these itchy flakes?
Itchy & Scratchy in Alabama
Dear Bitchy&Snatchy,
Do I look like any kind of hygiene expert to you? Hell, I don’t even use nail clippers, I just use my teeth. Sometimes on my toes too..... sometimes on other people’s toes. Dammit, you’re going to make me do research for this question, aren’t you? Maybe you’re unloved because you’re selfish.
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