BOSTON - A group of tax protesters were wounded this morning when a nearby bridge collapsed into rubble from years and years of neglect.

The collapse also took down a set of power and telephone lines, knocking out service to nearly 1,000 local homes. "In truth, those lines were ready to fall down on their own," confessed Stuart Miller, a city engineer investigating the incident. "We were all kinda surprised they made it this long. They were put up sometime in the 1950s."

Read more: Tax Protesters Maimed By Collapsing Bridge

MADISON - In a press statement today, police warned citizens to be on the lookout for "any type of athletic leader," and avoid them at all cost.

"Athletic leaders -- including football, basketball, volleyball and certainly swimming coaches and all types of athletic director -- should be considered, like Hollywood celebrities, vicious sexual predators and avoided wherever they are found," said Police Commissioner Bud Halifax. "Paul Mira, Bobby Dodd, Jerry Sandusky and John Chadima are just the tip of what these dangerous athletic leaders can and will do to anyone that comes in contact with them."

Read more: Citizens Urged To Avoid Athletic Leaders!

WASHINGTON - Today Newt Gingrich announced that if elected, his would be the first "open presidency," allowing him to rule other nations.

If enacted, this would be the first time a sitting President of the United States would simultaneously be the head of state for another nation. The closest any previous president came to this was President George W. Bush, who was simultaneously the "Honorary Chief Executive of Fantasyland," within the Walt Disney theme park.

"It's an interesting precedent to consider," said Jolie Schuchert, a political analyst and Constitutional scholar with the Morgan Group think-tank. "Certainly a bizarre demand, especially from a candidate who doesn't even have his party's nomination. Perhaps this will propel his candidacy forward. Or quickly get him humiliated and discarded like Herman Cain or Rick Perry."

Read more: Gingrich Demands "Open Presidency" If Elected