WASHINGTON - Members of the Congressional Fiscal Cliff Fact Finding Subcommittee (FCFFS) today presented the much anticipated report on their $8.9 million, three month fact finding mission to the Fiscal Cliff, which turns out is on the coast of Cuckmere Haven in Sussex, England.
The nineteen subcommittee members' trip included the rental of six private jets, accommodations and meals for each member for ninety days, eight bungee jumps, numerous hang-gliding and rock climbing lessons and associated gear, dune buggy rentals and approximately $1.2 million in miscellaneous expenses.
"We are here to report today on the dangers we've found surrounding America's Fiscal Cliff on the southern coast of England," said Subcommittee Chairman Congressman Ernest A. Shophofer (R-Indiana). "Truly, this is a dangerous, tall, yet incredibly fun cliff, but one we should definitely approach with caution, no matter how fun it is to bungee jump from."
"During our exhaustive investigation of all aspects of the cliff," said Vice Chairman Congresswoman Nancy Delbart (D-Maine), "we can confidently report that substantial additional study is required, beginning next June, until we can properly formulate an appropriate strategy for freestyling all the way to the top."
Others in congress, including both Representatives and Senators, meanwhile, expressed their extreme jealousy. "Why didn't we think of that?" asked Senator Ben Radfield (R-Wyoming), Chairman of the Senate's Fiscal Cliff Exploratory Strategy Subcommittee (FCESS). According to FCESS public documents, Senator Radfield's committee only spent $560,000 in fiscal year 2012, mostly on meals and a single fact-finding mission to St. Thomas in early March.
"Damn it!" said Congressman Jeff Bradley (D-California), whose Fiscal Cliff Policy Review Board spent a paltry $57,800 and produced a single 800 page policy recommendation report in August. "Damn it!!" he reiterated upon reflection.
Watching the report on C-SPAN, Wall Street yawned and took another spoonful of cereal as its stoic butler James lightly fanned its face. The fan -- a gift from the Frankfurter Wertpapierbörse last X-mas -- made the Street remember it still owed German Chancellor Angela Merkel a call-back, something it's been avoiding ever since the pair drunkenly hooked up after the last EU economic summit in Brussels. The Street decided things were still too awkward and resolved instead to finish its cereal and take a long, hot bath.
Photo Credits: Flickr/jrenaud90, Elsie esq.
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