CANADA - Early this morning three squadrons scrambled from the Eleventh Air Force from the Alaska NORAD Region (ANR) to intercept a "suspicious bogey" originating from the "North Pole region." 

The target -- a severely obese man known only as "Santa" and several unidentified reindeer -- was captured and quarantined on numerous international travel violations, including the illegal transportation of wild animals.

Hours later, a North Pole spokeself named "Roger" claimed that the flight was a "training exercise" and asked (very nicely) for the man and his wild animals to be released "as soon as it's convenient."

United States Northern Command General Charles H. Jacoby, Jr. responded sternly to the Pole's demand during a hastily prepared press conference.  "We have absolutely no intention of releasing this fat man or his animals until we have completed our investigation," said Jacoby mirthlessly.  "This man -- in a flaming red suit, no less -- will be questioned and his intentions determined.  We will know his reasons for violating the sovereign airspace of both the United States and Canada, especially during this holiday season."

According to a NORAD press statement, Santa is currently being detained in a "secure Alaskan detention area" while the reindeer "are scheduled to be destroyed... in accordance with international treaty."

International human rights organizations were quick to call for the fat man's "unconditional release," while animal rights advocates quickly booked flights to Alaska to organize on site protests near the reindeer corrals.  "The fact that this man and his animals were detained at all is a gross violation of his rights under international law," said Jackie Malcolm, a spokesman and lawyer for Amnesty International.  "He is guilty of nothing other than flying a sleigh using the voluntarily cooperation of eight intelligent, speaking reindeer, and that hardly violates any law or treaty, neither materially nor in spirit."

Wall Street took keen notice of the story, immediately hammering shares of retailers across the board in a broad sell off.  Taking a mid-morning Starbucks break, the Street returned a call to the SEHK, that had passed out into a drunken slumber hours before, and left a message promising to meet up for some holiday drinks when it hit Hong Kong next week after Christmas, insisting the SEHK was buying.

Photo Credits: Flickr/Luca Venturi Oslo, Valters Krontals, MrDoS