Should I Pop This Zit?
- Created: Thursday, 11 July 2013 15:39
- Published: Thursday, 11 July 2013 21:27
'Twas the Day Before Xmas Vacation
- Created: Thursday, 20 December 2012 13:46
- Published: Thursday, 20 December 2012 14:45
'Twas the day before Xmas Vacation, and all through the office,
not a worker was stirring not even Paul The Snitch.
The desks were all cleaned, per the new corporate memo,
in the hopes that Auditors would not make you a demo.
The workers were nestled all snug in their cubes,
While visions of Walking Dead played on their smartphones.
And Donna, the office manager, and I in my hoody,
Had just finished discussing the spirit of casual Friday.
When out in the mail room there arose such a clatter;
I sprang from my cube to see what was the matter:
Away to the noise I flew like a flash,
Tore open my mail and threw away the envelope.
Local Taco Profits Skyrocket on Marijuana Legalization
- Created: Thursday, 06 December 2012 15:38
- Published: Thursday, 06 December 2012 16:27
SEATTLE - Fast food taco vendors are rejoicing this morning as the nation's first law legalizing the non-medical use of marijuana went into effect.
"We've seen an 800% increase in sales just this morning," said Jack Baum, owner of "Uncle Jack's Tacos," a popular food truck. "You can smell money in the air and get a substantial contact buzz."
"I haven't seen money like this since the Tom Petty concert," said Juan Mendez, owner of "Uncle Juan's Tacos and Burritos," a popular local food truck vendor. "People are literally throwing money into the van to get a chicken burrito. I've had to raise prices so I don't run out of ingredients before noon, and nobody even noticed!"
Uncle Juan told IRREVERENT that most of the profits will be used to purchase a new food truck, and employ an additional four workers, doubling his existing staff.
Congressional Subcommittee Reports on Fiscal Cliff Trip
- Created: Friday, 30 November 2012 16:36
- Published: Friday, 30 November 2012 16:42
WASHINGTON - Members of the Congressional Fiscal Cliff Fact Finding Subcommittee (FCFFS) today presented the much anticipated report on their $8.9 million, three month fact finding mission to the Fiscal Cliff, which turns out is on the coast of Cuckmere Haven in Sussex, England.
The nineteen subcommittee members' trip included the rental of six private jets, accommodations and meals for each member for ninety days, eight bungee jumps, numerous hang-gliding and rock climbing lessons and associated gear, dune buggy rentals and approximately $1.2 million in miscellaneous expenses.
"We are here to report today on the dangers we've found surrounding America's Fiscal Cliff on the southern coast of England," said Subcommittee Chairman Congressman Ernest A. Shophofer (R-Indiana). "Truly, this is a dangerous, tall, yet incredibly fun cliff, but one we should definitely approach with caution, no matter how fun it is to bungee jump from."
Catching Up With Jesse Ventura's "Conspiracy Theory" Season 3
- Created: Saturday, 24 November 2012 21:00
- Published: Saturday, 24 November 2012 21:12
President Barack Obama is a mind-controlled, time-traveling and shape-shifting reptilian under control of the C.I.A. in association with D.A.R.P.A. He's engaged in a conspiracy to depopulate Louisiana, along with the rest of the world until the total population of the earth is 500,000,000, give or take. Obama was told he was going to President of the United States when he was 7 to 11 years old -- by other time-traveling kids -- and was then groomed to take the reins of power, along with George H.W. Bush, his son George W., and Bill Clinton. (I guess the time-travelers didn't get to 2016 and 2020 A.D. yet.)
This was all witnessed by a fellow time-traveling kid turned whistle blower, who has proof in the form of a single blurry picture from Gettysburg, taken when President Lincoln was giving his famous speech, featuring himself standing front-and-center, although the face is completely obscured and there are no supporting details.
Case closed, as far as he's concerned.