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Hostess, the maker of Twinkies, is going bankrupt. How will you cope?
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Gingrich Demands "Open Presidency" If Elected
WASHINGTON - Today Newt Gingrich announced that if elected, his would be the first "open presidency," allowing him to rule other nations.
If enacted, this would be the first time a sitting President of the United States would simultaneously be the head of state for another nation. The closest any previous president came to this was President George W. Bush, who was simultaneously the "Honorary Chief Executive of Fantasyland," within the Walt Disney theme park.
"It's an interesting precedent to consider," said Jolie Schuchert, a political analyst and Constitutional scholar with the Morgan Group think-tank. "Certainly a bizarre demand, especially from a candidate who doesn't even have his party's nomination. Perhaps this will propel his candidacy forward. Or quickly get him humiliated and discarded like Herman Cain or Rick Perry."
Rick Perry Fitted For New Mouth-Shoe
DALLAS - Having chewed up his existing mouth-shoe, today Rick Perry was fitted for a new one at Brack & Sons Fine Shoes.
His old shoe, a size 10 Allen Edmonds had been severely chewed up lately on the campaign trail as well as the debates. "Normally, [Governor Perry]'s shoes can last ten or eleven months stuck in his mouth," said Jim Fingle, Perry's campaign manager. "This one looks like a pit bull's been gnawing it for a year, and it's only been a week."
"We're going to find a shoe for the governor that meets his unique situation," said shoe salesman Ed Drucker, an employee at Brack & Sons. "One that is particularly well built, and one that matches the governor's stature and standing in the community. Also one that is resistant to being soaked in saliva."
Drucker fit the governor's mouth earlier today for a replacement size 10 Allen Edmonds "Bradley." Because the governor was only buying one shoe, the price was cut in half to $275.
Municipality Avoids Snowplow Wear, Creates Jobs
MILWAUKEE - Local governments this week avoided much wear and tear on snowplows by avoiding plowing snow.
"Luckily, we had ample warning of accumulation this week to prepare," said Superintendent Ralf Gerbic of the Milwaukee Public Works department. "We had plenty of time to tell the guys to relax and not rush out or anything the morning of our largest snowfall to date. We find that the more time the snowplows are out there, physically plowing snow, the less useful lifetime they end up having. The depreciation is killer, and besides, this way they're not out there blocking traffic during the morning rush hour."
Vile Vials
There's something about me that really angers people. A nice guy like me.
Maybe it's because I'm so open, vulnerable, intelligent, handsome. I don't know.
It's uncanny how I have this innocent ability to infuriate. If I could just channel it, find a way to make money off it. For example, I've taken my share of low blow cruel shots at work. I've worked for some vicious, sadistic, dishonest, scheming people.
I had a manager one time slam his fist on my desk in front of other employees over some trivial matter. Now, if I walk into his office and hit him, I'm up on charges of assault in battery. I have to spend at least a night in jail (I've already been there once), pay a fine, money I don't have, or do public service picking up leaves alongside the highway in orange pajamas.
He slams his fist on your desk because he’s afraid of his boss over him, and wants to use you as a scapegoat. You know you have to pay a bill and can’t quit your job. So you take it. You need the pay, so you take it from him. The system favors the abuser.
But you don’t have to take it lying down.
It seems that life is a conspiracy designed to humiliate. Always petty humiliation. Like the late Rodney Dangerfield used to say, "I don’t get no respect."
Back in the Old West, you could just shoot it out with the bastard. But no more.
Nowadays, you have to take his insult if you want to keep your bill paying job, until it gnaws at your guts. There's a better way to deal with these people.
Romney Mistakenly Left Behind In Mannequin Factory
PITTSBURGH - The Secret Service confirmed today that they'd mistakenly pushed a mannequin into Romney's limousine yesterday.
"We are deeply embarrassed over the mistake," said Secret Service spokesman Milo Thompsett. "It was nearly 10 minutes until the agent in charge realized what happened and went back for the candidate at the mannequin factory. Thankfully Mr. Romney hadn't moved, and in fact held his smile exactly the same way, despite the fact that everyone had left."
In the limousine, Romney's wife Ann carried on the conversation they'd been having, and didn't realize she was talking to a men's clothing mannequin until the secret service informed her.
"Once I'd left Mitt at Macy's in much the same way," confessed Mrs. Romney. "Liked the suit so much, actually, I'm pretty sure I bought it for him when I returned the dummy back to the store."
Read more: Romney Mistakenly Left Behind In Mannequin Factory
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