Pointless Poll
Hostess, the maker of Twinkies, is going bankrupt. How will you cope?
Readers
Circulation
Man Shocked That His Fantasy Football Success Didn’t Get Him Laid On First Date
ARLINGTON, VA - When Kyle “Lombardi” Pennington, 25, first made a date with Charlene Davidson, he said he thought she was into sports. The two had met on Match.com, and in their texts and e-mail exchanges, she seemed “pretty cool and could talk some fantasy football, at least enough to hold a decent conversation,” Pennington said.
But when the two met up last Friday night for their first official date, Pennington said she wasn’t at all like she came across in her e-mails.
“She was totally different than she was online,” Pennington said. “I immediately started telling her about my draft preparation, about how most a------- only spend the week or two leading up to their draft reading magazines or s--- online. But any champion will tell you, if you’re serious, you have to read stuff all year round about players and teams. That’s the first step in winning championships. Are you writing this down, bro?”
Pennington said he brought his league championship trophy on their date, which he’d “won four out of the last five years. That by itself should have gotten me (to third base).”
Read more: Man Shocked That His Fantasy Football Success Didn’t Get Him Laid On First Date
Defense Sec. Panetta "Deeply Worried" Over Groundhog Prediction
WASHINGTON - Today U.S. Defense Secretary Leon Panetta admitted "grave worries" over Punxsutawney Phil's prediction of "six more weeks of winter."
"We are currently studying the ramifications in many different dimensions," said Panetta, his face pinched in worry. "However, I can tell you," Panetta added, crinkling his nose, "I am deeply, deeply worried."
Expanding on his remarks with his trademark bloodhound "Leo" at his side, a sour-faced Panetta explained that he was "extremely, amazingly worried" about Phil's prediction due to it's possible impact to "all current U.S. military operations" as well as it "simply being very troubling." "In short, I am very worried and will continue to monitor the situation, and every single possible outcome, in every conceivable way that I can, losing days of sleep in the process," said a very worried Panetta, squinting and making his best worried face.
Read more: Defense Sec. Panetta "Deeply Worried" Over Groundhog Prediction
Limbaugh's Angry Oink
Since it’s okay for Rush Limbaugh to resort to name-calling and over the air identify a young woman who testified before Congress in favor of contraceptive coverage as a “slut,” it’s okay for me to use this space to call Limbaugh a “pig.”
No wait! I’m not gonna do that, sink to his level. I will use the more dignified word “porker.”
The porker has made a career out of sitting before a microphone and issuing invective, venom and charges of disloyalty, dishonesty, slander, name calling, all in the name of bogus patriotism----in other words-----an angry conservative oink!
Let’s get something straight right now. I’m not against the porker’s right to broadcast, because he’s essentially an entertainer who insults much like Don Rickles used to before he mellowed. There maybe is even a kernel of truth once in awhile in some of what Limbaugh says. What’s perhaps unfortunate is that so many people take him seriously, because, other than moving his lips and puffing forth inanities and insanities and un-sanitized vulgarities, what has he done—other than add gross layers of fat to his always swollen protuberances?
Diary Reveals Romney Named After Baseball Mitt
The contents of a newly revealed diary show that George Romney, former governor of Michigan, was so obsessed with the game of baseball that he named his son after a baseball mitt.
"I know I am perhaps dooming my son to a life of failure and frustration naming him Mitt, but I’m hoping that he will be inspired and become a relief pitcher for the Detroit Tigers," the elder Romney said in the diary, dated 1958.
Romney, who passed away in 1995, was governor of Michigan from 1963 to 1969, and is the father of current Republican presidential candidate, Mitt Romney.
In the diary, Romney confessed to neglecting his wife and family by attending baseball games, and that he had asked his wife for an "open marriage," in which she would understand his long absences at Tiger Stadium.
Facebook I.P.O. Biggest Event In Human History, Says Facebook
MENLO PARK - Highly placed Facebook sources today confirmed that the pending I.P.O. will "dwarf all other human events..throughout history."
The I.P.O., which is anticipated to launch Wednesday, is widely expected to eclipse the 1969 moon landing, the publication of Gutenberg's bible, and the building of the Great Pyramids at Giza combined. "This is, without doubt, the single greatest thing humanity has yet achieved," said C.E.O. Mark Zuckerberg, "or, quite frankly, is likely to ever achieve. Today I walk with the Gods. I... I am immortal."
Sources outside the firm, but connected to the I.P.O., have wholeheartedly confirmed Zuckerberg's appraisal. "He is god, or if not THE god, certainly A god," said one investment banker at a prominent Wall Street firm. "Facebook will be the ultimate I.P.O. and the crowning achievement of 21st century capitalism. I have no idea what could possibly come next!"
Read more: Facebook I.P.O. Biggest Event In Human History, Says Facebook
More Articles...
Page 1 of 2
