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Reporters Protest Standing Outside “For No Reason”

NEW YORK – In a hastily prepared press conference today, ABC Senior Meteorologist Rob Marciano told a sympathetic crowd of news reporters that he was “sick and tired” of “always having to report terrible weather… standing outside” when it would be trivially easy to “remain in the studio” while giving his weather forecast.  “It’s pointless,” Marciano added.

The press conference – which took place on the front steps of ABC Studios on West 66^th Street – featured a number of other reporters who, like, Marciano, stood “pointlessly” outside when “presenting news that could easily be done in-studio.”

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Finally Stock Traders Make Some Money!

NEW YORK – Today stocks soared as Washington decided to dump $850 billion into stabilizing the economy, and perhaps even distribute checks for a few hundred dollars to taxpayers, who funded the bailout.

Brad Worthington III, Chief Investment Officer at Phineas-Finch-Marlowe Investments called the move “awesome.”  “Finally the politicians are waking up to how to avert another 1929 here,” said Worthington.  “Without immediate stimulus, I don’t think we could make it another week.”

Worthington, who made $29.5 million in salary and bonuses last year, further called the move, “really, really awesome.”

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Punxsutawney Phil Fired After Predicting Massive Russian Interference in 2020 Election

PUNXSUTAWNEY – Mere weeks after predicting that "Russia would directly interfere in the 2020 presidential elections to re-elect Donald Trump," the world's most famous marmot prognosticator Punxsutawney Phil was unceremoniously fired by President Trump via tweet, calling the rodent a "rat."

The prediction was an unusual break in Phil's prognostications, which, since 1886, have usually been about how many more weeks of winter there would be. This year, however, Phil ventured directly into presidential politics and Russian election interference.

"Even without my enormous predictive powers, it is obvious that Russia will, once again, interfere in the upcoming election in favor of your president," Phil said on February 2nd, through ceremonial handler Russ Rustin.  "It's incredibly obvious."

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