ARLINGTON, VA — The U.S. Central Command has unveiled its latest breakthrough in proportional killing: the PropCalc 3000™, a cloud-based AI that assigns Yelp-style star ratings to military targets and recommends "calibrated" retaliation based on a proprietary algorithm combining geopolitical threat data, neighborhood Zillow valuations, and what developers are calling the "Madness Index."
by Julian Cross | Food & Dining Correspondent, IRREVERENT
WINNETKA, IL — The hostess at Guts asked if I had any dietary restrictions. I told her I was morally opposed to wasting my time. She smiled as if I'd said something charming and led me through an Edison-bulb gauntlet to a table where the napkin had been folded, with evident pride, into a small intestine.
I ordered a black coffee. The server asked if I'd like it "course-integrated." I looked at
...DISPATCHED FROM ROOM 614, A MID-TIER MANHATTAN HOTEL — 11:47 PM, WEDNESDAY
At approximately 9:14 PM Eastern time, the occupants of the suite adjacent to mine — Room 615 — checked in with three rolling cases and what sounded like a portable thermal printer.
I know this because the walls of this particular property are
...The logo is wrong in a way that only I would notice. The anvil itself — my anvil, the one I had sketched on a paper napkin at two in the morning in 2009 and paid a designer in Wicker Park four hundred dollars to turn into something with actual gravity — is maybe fifteen percent larger than it should be, and the weight of it sits differently on
...I was sitting at my desk this morning — third coffee, first cigarette, zero patience — when I watched a woman on the sidewalk outside spend eleven minutes filming herself walking into a CVS. Not walking out. Not finding a deal, not confronting a shoplifter, not discovering a new species of pharmacy beetle. Just walking in. The
...I am writing this from a hotel room in Manhattan that I am pretty sure is in Manhattan, though the mini-bar prices suggest I may have accidentally crossed into Zurich. Meadow flew me here last week on what I can only describe as a mission from God — or, more accurately, a mission from Meadow, which is like God but with more nicotine
...I am sitting in my leather wingback chair. Marmaduke — one hundred and forty pounds of constitutionally-minded Alaskan husky — is sprawled across my feet, which are going numb, but I refuse to move him because I need the ballast. I also cannot feel my left foot. These facts are related. What I am about to tell you will unsettle you. It will
...I am going to be honest with you — a thing I rarely do, and never for free — and tell you that I have been awake for approximately thirty-one hours. I came to this screening directly from a press breakfast at which the coffee was lukewarm and the croissants were, I can only assume, assembled by someone who had once seen the word "croissant"
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