IRREVERENT News

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Written by IRNewz

BANGLADESH - Recently freed Guantanamo Bay prisoner Anish Kali returned to his home in Dhaka today and gave his son his birthwright: a golden watch.  The watch had been hidden on Kali's person during the entirety of his six year detention.

"I am so glad that I was able to give my son, Anu, this golden watch," said Kali, 73, who had been detained in 2007 on charges of conspiracy to sell bootleg copies of the massively disappointing "The Soprano's" finale.  "Although it had been excruciatingly painful to hide this uncomfortable hunk of metal up my backside for six long, agonizing years, seeing the look on his face was almost worth it," Kali confessed.  "Almost."

The watch -- a 1985 Casio A159WGEA men's gold tone, stainless steel digital watch -- was purchased by Kali's father upon returning from Afghanistan.  He bequeathed the watch to his son Kali two years later when he unexpectedly choked to death on a fig, and ever since Kali had been planning to pass the watch along to his son.

"It's an okay watch," said his son Anu, who wasn't wearing it at the time of his interview.  "I have it somewhere.  I think it's next to my Xbox, maybe."

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Written by Scott Meadow

WASHINGTON - Secretary of State John Kerry today showed reporters how he would theoretically shake hands with an Iranian official, but stopped short of grabbing a hypothetical arm as well in a gesture of friendship.

"The arm thing is reserved for friendly nations only," Kerry explained.  "You shake right hands here, like this, then reach out to the person's right arm with your left hand and grab it somewhere above the elbow, like this.  That way the other country feels you really support them and have their back," Kerry explained.  "There's no way I'm doing that to anyone from the Iranian government."

The Secretary then also denied there would be any double handshaking -- in which both hands are closed over the same hand of the Iranian official -- and certainly "no hugging under any foreseeable set of events."

Reporters then asked about back patting, to which the Secretary was equally adamant.  "There will be NO back padding with any Iranian official, under any circumstances," Kerry said.  "The back thing is for friendly nation-states only, and its use is strictly monitored by other Secretary of States all over the world.  Not going to happen."

On the subject of plane greeting, the Secretary was equally passionate.  "I won't be meeting any Iranian official getting off of any plane, in any way, shape or form," Kerry explained.  "In fact, my staff is currently looking into whether or not any Iranians could meet ME getting off a plane.  We're pretty sure they can't but we're still looking into that."

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Written by Scott Meadow

ILLINOIS - In a hastily prepared press conference this morning, pharma giant WelFexor has agreed to purchase multinational conglomerate BuTrexline for nearly $19 billion USD in a move Wall Street considers "cryptic to bizarre."

"Nobody knows what BuTrexline actually, physically does," confessed Wall Street.  "I've read their annual reports going back three years and I can't find any tangible, meaningful hint about they actually produce, sell or trade."

"It reads like what Don Draper would spew out after going three rounds with Mike Tyson," the NASDAQ chipped in.

"Without head protection," the Street added, high-fiving the lesser exchange as they finished a cigarette outside before heading back in the hotel for the press conference.

Nobody else I've spoken with knows either, apparently not even the current chairman and CEO of WelFexor Bruce Campbell.  "We are a multnational holding concern with interests in a number of key high-value vertical markets," explained Campbell at the press conference.  "Our synergistic strategies combine the experience and potential of each of our 28,900 employees on five continents into a potent force to acquire not only market share but incredible efficiencies of scale in a growing number of diverse fields.  BuTrexline has a remarkably similar and synergistic business modality, one that fits perfectly with both our domestic and international market integration strategies."

"See, what the hell does that mean?" asked the Street, who then idly tossed his Marlboro on the sidewalk and walked back into the early morning trading session.

^{Photo Credit: Skyscraper, flickr/Takashi Hososhima. Press conference, flickr/Superjet Intl.}