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WASHINGTON - The U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics reported strong job growth for positions within the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics for the 23rd straight month.

The hottest growth area, also for the 23rd month in a row, was for unemployment statisticians.  "Although this is not representative of the U.S. economy in general, which remains a train wreck," said B.L.S. spokesman Artie Wells, "we are nevertheless excited over any employment increases whatsoever.  So, you know, there's that."

The B.L.S. reported the economy added 163,000 jobs in July, but this had no net effect on unemployment overall.  "Although this isn't particularly encouraging, you can rest assured that the figures were calculated correctly, that we can promise you," said Wells.

Read more: Job Market Improves For Unemployment Statisticians

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KENTUCKY - Local entrepreneur Jim "Colonel" Jackson, owner of the "Colonel Chicken" franchise, announced today that he too "hates gay people" and asked for a "ton of free national publicity."

Jackson admitted that until recently he had "really no opinion" on same-sex marriage.  However, driving to work today, the restaurateur noticed the long lines outside area Chick-fil-As and had "a religious epiphany." 

"I realized that, due to my own deep seated religious convictive belief [sic.]," said Jackson, "like what God says in the Bible and whatnot, that I hate gay people too and also oppose same-sex unions and marriage and so on.  So I urge everyone to come to any one of my six great area restaurants and buy all our inventory of fried chicken parts, waffle fries and sodas.  I also call on everyone in the media to please, please make MY restaurants a front in this here culture war, sooner rather than later!"

Read more: Colonel Chicken Announces They "Hate Gay People Too!"

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WARSAW - Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney's warm-up jokes tonight left the audience stunned in disbelieving silence.

Speaking to a gathering of Poland's glitterati, Romney's prepared remarks reinforced support for the long time U.S. ally, praising the nation as a "defender of freedom," but it was his warm-up routine that shocked the crowd.

"Why did the Polack cross the road?" Romney said to a stunned room. "Because he couldn't get his **** out of the chicken."  At this point, a person in the very back of the auditorium dropped what sounded like a fork.

"No, but seriously, what do you do if a Polack throws a hand-grenade at you?  Take the pin out and throw it back," Romney continued, chuckling quietly to himself.

Read more: Romney's Ill-Conceived "Polack" Jokes Bomb Warsaw