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BAGHEM, IRAQ - Tariq Su Persiz, spokes-sheik for the reactionary Sabra Rat'lers Brigade, LP, announced today that his organization would soon open Iraq's first KFC franchise.

"The persecuted Sunni Minority, beset by Zionist enemies on one side, heretical Shi'ite thugs on the other, will now be a force to be reckoned with in a new democratic Iraq," read Sheik Persiz from a prepared statement.  "Let those who sleep like dogs with the devil enjoy the ashes of so-called 'hamburgers.' Allah has called the righteous to the Original Recipe."

Reaction to the annoucement on the Arab Street^TM was riddled with exploding IEDs, prompting Hezbollah to fire multiple rockets into the Israeli town of Verklempt in joyous celebration.  At a hastily called press conference at Hezbollah (Hizb'allah) Central Committee Headquarters Crater and Rubble Bouncing Range, spokes-sheik Falud Al-Khamanbebi expressed uncontained glee at he prospect of increased violence thanks to the creation of a new player in restaurant retail. "Once we have cleansed Palestine of the Zionist usurpers we can turn our attention to the Sunni Chicken Mongers," said the Sheik.  "It's a great day to be in the anarchic mayhem and convenience food businesses."

In Tel Aviv, Israeli reaction was typically harsh and bellicose. "We do not welcome the proliferation of Extra Crispy in this unstable region," said Ariel Bombardmentstein, spokes-rabbi for the Israeli Defense Forces. "Israel reserves the right to defend her fast food sales no matter how far they extend into sovereign territories.  We will not be denied our right to sell matzah ball soup in safety."

Japan's Nikkei opened mixed on the Sunni KFC announcement with several investors choosing an inscrutable Asian strategy. Shares of NooKum Industries, China's premier nuclear proliferation company shot up with an announcement of a deal to provide construction expertise for the Sabra Brigade's venture.

BREAKING: Al-Sadr Denounces Bombing!

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BEIRUT - A moderate Hezbollah faction unveiled their new downtown Beirut McDonald's at a sparsely attended press conference Friday.

Read more: Hezbollah Moderates Open Franchise

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TEL AVIV - Israeli F-16s attacked and destroyed the new Hezbollah (or Hizbu'llah) McDonald's in what has been described in multinational capitalist circles as the "single worst day of violence in the Middle East" to date.

Speaking from Hollywood after requesting anonymity, Mel “Mad Max” Gibson, chief investor in the project, said, “That's a pommy bahastahd thing to do Bruce. A few mates want to engage in some world class capitalism and the goddamn Jews start a war over it!  What's a Bruce supposed to do Bruce?”

Israeli Defense Force spokesperson, Ariel Bombardmentstein, said that Israeli intellegence had good reason to believe that the McDonald's was a staging area for Hezbollah's next attack on the plucky Hebrew nation. “We've seen Supersize Me,” said El-Bombardment, “We know the dangers that Big Macs on our northern border pose. Not to mention the enticement to sin that is the McRib sandwich.”

Wall Street reacted positively to the latest Israeli action. Rudolf Katzenjammer, of Katzenjammer, Katzenjammer and Bernstein Investments confessed to being “tickled pink” that Israel was taking such positive steps to defend itself. KKB, a majority shareholder of Katyusha Industries saw it's own stock explode as Hezbullah rockets rained down on Israeli territory. “Israel has the right to protect it's territroy,” said Katzenjammer, “and of course it's important that the nascent Lebanese democracy be allowed to survive. Of course we regret the loss of civilian life, but hey, you know, omelets...eggs....”

BREAKING: Death Squad Signs with KFC!