IRREVERENT News

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Written by Scott Meadow

WASHINGTON – Last night Vice-President Pence gave the keynote speech at the Republican National Convention, saying President Trump “had extraordinary powers of telekinesis,” “actual angel wings, I’ve seen him fly,” and “a level of intelligence greater than any being in the galaxy.”

The Republican National Convention, titled “A World of Make Believe,” as “homage to the amazing work of the late Fred Rogers who united all people,” continued the theme last night having the Vice-President speak from the perch of King Friday XIII’s castle.  “Like Fred [Rogers], President Trump sees an America oozing with possibilities and opportunities, and his tireless service to all people of the nation should definitely continue for four more years,” Pence said.  “Or else.”

Earlier, dressed as “Queen Sara Saturday,” Kellyanne Conway seemingly previewed the remarks.  “I have seen this president soar like an eagle over the nation’s capital on those giant white wings he keeps tucked inside that suit he wears every day,” Conway said.  “He is tirelessly searching for all those who look to hurt our great nation, by insulting him or criticizing him in some way, and I’ve seen him majestically swoop down and take them out with his powerful talons on twitter.”  Overcome with emotion, she paused before adding: “It’s a beautiful thing to witness.”

IRREVERENT’s budget-friendly Republican strategist Mike “The Pog” Pogorselski characterized the Day 3 speeches as “what had to happen.”  “Look there’s not much else they can do,” the Pog said over a moderate iced coffee we bought with a coupon.  “With almost 200,000 dead due to a virus, tens of millions out of work, and an economy teetering on the brink of extinction, you have to slap on the smiley face and say ‘all is well’ before folks run you out of town on a rail.”

Wall Street forgot to watch last night’s RNC coverage, instead working on reorganizing its offshore dummy corps to better take advantage of its British Virgin Islands tax havens.  “I feel like a third-world dictator,” the Street confessed, looking at its balance sheets.  “The country’s on fire and I’m banking billions.   Fuck yeah!”

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Written by Scott Meadow

WASHINGTON - Today President Trump criticized Michelle Obama's criticism of his presidency presented during the Democratic National Convention, saying, "She taped her responses, very unprofessional," and noted that her COVID-19 statistics were "totally inaccurate... the death count is much higher" than what she said in the pre-recorded segment.

"Four years later, the state of this nation is very different," the former First Lady said. "More than 150,000 people have died, and our economy is in shambles because of a virus that this president downplayed for too long. It has left millions of people jobless."

The President responded harshly, calling her video "poorly produced."  "She didn't even do the segment live, very disappointing," the President said.  "She said something like 150,000 dead [from the pandemic], but it's much more, closer to 170,000, you know, about 35,000 more than the U.S.lost in World War One, Korea, and Vietnam combined."  The President shook his head.  "Very, very sloppy and unprofessional segment research."

Stunned media pundits noted that the president's remarks "stunned" them.

Republican leaders supported the president's remarks at a hastily prepared press conference.  "I don't think it's even debatable that she prerecorded her statement," said John Johnson, the senior Republican senator from Wyoming.

Wall Street reacted by throwing tech stocks against a brick wall, and seeing which ones oozed to the floor, before scooping them all back up in early afternoon profit taking.

Photos: screenshots

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Written by Scott Meadow

NEW YORK – Prominent statisticians today unveiled their analysis of why President Trump does not have a 0% job approval rating.

 “According to recent polls, 39% of all registered voters, and 85% of Republicans approve of the job Trump is doing as president,” said Heaven Wallace, who headed the three month study and is currently the Mark Twain Chair of Improbable Statistics at Princeton University.  “Of course the logical question to ask is ‘why is this non-zero?’  None of us could explain that, so that really was the kick-off to our study.”

The group – which includes statisticians from Ivy League and 12 other schools with advanced statistics programs – took an independent, deep analysis of political polling data, combined with demographic and lifestyle data across a broad range of American voting age adults.

“We learned a lot about how people make choices, in general, based on basically nothing,” said Jovan Short, Professor of Mathematical Chaos at Holcolm College.  “For example, there are roughly 19 – 28% of the American population who just won’t believe anything they’re told, no matter whether the source is one they consider credible or not.  But stated party affiliation seems to matter here: self-professed Democrats end up on the lower end of the scale, 9-16%, whereas Republicans are on the opposite side at 38-43%.”

“We started calling them the ‘black hole’ group – information goes in, but never makes it out in any useful fashion,” said Trevor Wilcox, from M.I.T.  “This includes themselves, which we found fascinating: when their own responses were read back to them, they denied they responded the way they did, even after we began videotaping the sessions and playing back the tape.”

“This refusal to acknowledge outside information was a point of considerable pride for this group,” said Cameron Gibbs, Chair of Public Policy Statistics at Yalvard University.  “This seems to indicate that whether you have Donald Trump, or Josef Mengele, or Winnie The Pooh running on a Republican ticket, they can poll somewhere in the 30-40% range, no matter what they say or do.“

Read more: Statisticians Conclude Study of Trump's Non-Zero Approval Rating