MOSCOW – Today Kremlin officials announced that the August death of Aleksandr Noskov – the leader of the mercenary army which launched a brief coup against Russian military leadership in late June – was “undeniably an accident.” 

“Our top military leaders have closely examined the flight data,” said Russian president Vladimir Putin, “and have concluded that there is no evidence of foul play.  The plane simply crashed into the ground after experiencing a massive explosion on board, created, likely by Noskov himself.  We believe it had something to do with the onboard microwave oven.”

Military spokesman Gen. Boris Sapogov called the incident “unfortunate” but “justice for a traitor to the Russian state.”

Wall Street dismissed the news by shrugging off shares of military and defense contractors in brisk late morning trading, before scooping them back up at a discount during a late afternoon rally.